Today, I dragged my family to see Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, played by the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. (We have a new conductor, so I thought it would be nice to support him.)
It was like pulling teeth to get them to go.
"Mama, do we have to go?" my son said.
"Mom, that's going to be really boring," my daughter said.
My husband just gave me one of his looks.
I had to do some quick thinking. "They sell chocolate candy there."
That did the trick.
We went to the concert and sat there for two hours, listening to the music. My kids were indeed bored out of their minds.
Afterwards, my husband gave his commentary: "Why was that symphony so long? It should've been over in 45 minutes. He just kept repeating the same thing, over and over again."
"He was trying to convey the message of brotherhood and hope," I said. "He probably wanted to make sure it was understood."
My husband looked at me like I was crazy. "Here's what I think. I think the guy was a senile, confused, deaf old guy, who couldn't remember what he wrote, so he kept writing it over and over. I mean, what guy in his right mind would write a piece and make a choir sit there for an hour and a half before they even start singing? What if they have to go to the bathroom? No, he just expects them to sit there and be ready to sing perfectly when it's time!"
He went on. "Why didn't somebody take a look at the manuscript and figure out how to make it better? What's wrong with you musicians? "
"Excuse me?" I said. "What do you mean, 'what's wrong with musicians?'"
"You guys just play that stuff and pretend like it's okay. Do you know why?"
"Why?" I asked.
"Because you musicians are a bunch of psychopath emotional basket cases."
The kids put in their two cents. "Yeah, Mom, you're a psychopath emotional basket case! You play just like all those musicians on the stage - you twitch around just like they do."
Then Bubba added, "Yeah, Mama, and your hair looks just like Beethoven's!"
What the heck? Do you think my hair looks like Beethoven's? So there you have it. Remind me never, ever, ever to take my family to an orchestra concert again!