Sunday, June 30, 2013
My husband had the brilliant idea to go to the pet store with Schultz to get him more food. They marched into the store and got the stuff, but instead of just paying and leaving, they decided to do a grand tour of the store. Which took them right to the cat section. The cute little puddy cats were all snuggled in their cubby holes minding their own business. Schultz spied them through the clear glass windows. So did my husband.
"Get the cats, Schultz!" he said.
Schultz was very happy to oblige. He jumped up against the window and barked ferociously at them.
Of course that raucous attracted the attention of the pet store employee who came running to see what the problem was. She flipped her lid. "What do you think you are doing?" she hollered at my husband. "You're traumatizing the cats!"
That didn't faze my husband or the dog. My husband grinned and the dog wagged his tail. They wandered off while the employee tried to soothe the poor, frightened cats.
(I'm absolutely positive that my husband and Schultz are banned from all Petsmart stores across America for that nasty stunt!)
Friday, June 28, 2013
"Excuse me?" I asked. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"Just pour some milk in a glass and add toxic syrup. Come on, Mom. You know how to do it!"
"You want me to poison you?" I asked.
The girl looked at me like I had twenty-six eyeballs. "What are you talking about, Mom?"
She started laughing. "No, Mom. Chocolate. Chocolate milk."
"Oh," I said. "That makes more sense. You need to speak a little more clearly."
"And you need to get your hearing checked."
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I heard loud laughter coming from the kitchen. It sounded like a pack of hyenas in there. I quickly went to investigate. And what do you think I saw?
A Coke bottle exploding streams of sticky brown liquid all over my ceiling, walls, and floor! My jaw dropped! "What are you doing?" I hollered.
I quickly grabbed the bottle and pointed the spray downward into the sink. "Don't you people realize we're trying to sell this place?" I was ready to blow a gasket!
It suddenly got quiet.
"We'll clean it up, Mom," my daughter said.
"Yeah, you'd better or else!"
Here's what the little experiment should be like. (Doesn't it look so calm and peaceful?)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
"Mom, check this out!" She held out her arms and did a zombie walk into the pool.
I laughed. "Nice."
Her friend decided to do something outrageous, too. "Mrs. Ellis, watch this!" She ran backwards into the pool.
"Be careful," I said. "I don't want you to get hurt!"
The girls continued their little game. Here's what they came up with:
1. Running cannonball: Run as fast as you can and do a cannonball jump, creating the largest splash possible.
2. Miss America walk: Smile pretty and wave as you daintily step into the water.
3. Skip: No explanation necessary.
4. Cartwheel: Ditto. Just don't hit your head.
5. Tap dance: Do a series of fallaps until you're in (be careful not to stub your toes).
6. Do the Chicken Dance and give a big BRAWK when you hit the water.
7. Do it Gangnam Style.
So there you go, ladies and gentlemen. If you're ever not sure about how to enter the water, try one of these. I'm sure you'll make a big splash and impress all the sun bathers who will be watching!
Monday, June 24, 2013
The man was on the wire for over twenty minutes without a tether or safety net - 1400 feet above the canyon floor! Completely insane! I was pretty nervous for him when he had to stop and kneel a few times because the wire was starting to bounce too much. But somehow he did it. He now has the distinction of being the first person to walk across the Grand Canyon on a two inch rope.
Now my son has some big ideas.
"Mama, do you want to know what I'm going to do when I grow up?" he asked.
I looked at the kid. "I certainly hope it's not walk across the canyon on a type rope!"
"No, Mama. It's even better."
I gave him my squinty eye look. "What do you have in mind, Bubba?"
"I'm going to walk on a type rope all the way to the moon!"
Uh, right. Good luck with that, kid!
Saturday, June 22, 2013
When I returned, the little green and yellow feather ball was missing. I looked around. "Sunshine!" I called.
I didn't hear Sunshine, but I heard the panting of Schultz, our giant German Shepherd, behind the couch.
Sure enough, the beast was towering over the tiny bird, who was crouched down on the floor. Drool dripped out of his jowls onto her feathers. She did not look happy.
"Schultz, get out of here!" I said.
Schultz didn't listen. He stuck his big nose against the bird and gave her a good sniff.
Exasperated, I grabbed the dog by his collar and led him to his crate.
Then I returned to Sunshine and put my finger out for her to climb aboard. The dumb bird just wanted to peck it. "Sunshine, get with the program!" I said.
She didn't understand a word I said, so I just picked her up and plopped her back on her perch.
She gave me a little chirp, fluffed her feathers, and promptly went to sleep.
I guess the excitement was a little too much for her to handle!
Friday, June 21, 2013
It happened again at my dad's house. "Do you know what that kid did?" my dad asked.
"No," I answered. "What did he do?"
"He left a present for me in the bathroom."
I tried not to laugh. "Did he, now?"
"Yes. And when I tried to flush it, the toilet overflowed. About two inches of water puddled on the floor."
I wrinkled my nose. "That's pretty disgusting."
The man continued. "Then your son came in the bathroom and saw the mess. Do you know what he said?"
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'That looks like a pretty wicked flood. I'm going to go back up to the attic now while you clean it up.'"
I nodded. That sounded about right.
My father had more to say on the subject. "Later I went down into the basement, and noticed water on the ceiling right below the bathroom."
"Uh, oh," I said. "So you had some water damage from the wicked flood?"
"Yes. I had to replace five ceiling tiles."
Poor dad. Yep, I'd have to agree with Bubba - that was a pretty wicked flood!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
We were sitting in a hot plane on the tarmac waiting for clearance to take off from Atlanta. Because of severe thunderstorms, we weren't allowed to move. We sat there for an hour. Of course everyone on board was getting antsy, including a two-year-old little girl.
She was having a full-blown tantrum. And it went on and on and on! The parents were completely flustered. The other passengers were grumbling. The flight attendant came over to try to pacify the kid. No luck.
I knew that I had to put on my Super Mama cape and come to the rescue. Diversion was what that kid needed. I rummaged through my purse. I found keys, a tiny bouncy ball, a few pens, and some sticks of gum. Not quite what a two-year-old needed. I quickly scanned the surrounding area and noticed a young mom with a diaper bag. Hooked onto the bag was a toy zebra. I looked at the mom. She looked at me. And we both grinned. She unhooked that thing and gave it to me. Then I marched up to the screaming kid and dangled the zebra in front of her.
"Look what I have," I said.
She immediately stopped screaming.
I gave her one of my most charming smiles. "Would you like to play with it?"
She gave me one of her most charming smiles.
So I handed her the zebra.
The passengers gave me a round of applause and I sat back down.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
"Bubba, did you pack everything?" I asked before we left.
"You have your toothbrush and toothpaste and hairbrush?"
"Yes, Mama. I packed everything."
"Okay." I hoped he was right.
When we arrived in Florida, the kids wanted to go swimming. My boy rummaged through his suitcase. "Mama, my bathing suit isn't in here."
I looked in that thing. There was no bathing suit. But there was a winter hat - one lined with rabbit fur and ear flaps.
"Dude, this is Florida. Why in the world would you bring a winter hat?"
Bubba grinned. "I watched the weather channel, and it said it was going to be cold because a hurricane just came through. I was being prepared. You never know when there will be a blizzard in Florida!"
Now for the answer to yesterday's question: Where are Sherry, Bubba, and Squirt in this picture?
I am on the left, standing behind the two guys stooped down. I'm wearing an orange/tan paisley shirt, I have long brown hair, and some guy has his arm around me (I have no idea who he is!). Bubba is the kid sitting near me on the ground in front of the man wearing a blue tank shirt. Bubba is wearing glasses, has a black shirt on, and was drinking a beverage from a red cup (I hope it's not beer!). My daughter is in the middle, wearing sun glasses and a lime green top. Her hair is long, brown, and wet (I wonder why.).
So there you go, a recent picture of me and my clan!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Hey everybody, I'm back! My family and I had a great time at Delray Beach, Florida celebrating our Aunt's 90th birthday. I have a ton of stories from this trip. I'll share some of them this week. But first, I have to announce the winners of Kamy's books: Crystal Collier is the winner of Breathe Again, and Medeia Sharif is the winner of Family Ties. Congratulations ladies, and thanks to everyone who stopped by and commented!
Now for the story:
My kids and I were playing in the ocean when I spotted something that looked kind of big. It was swimming some distance away, but it was getting closer. I kept my eye on it. Then I saw something that looked like a fin pop out of the water.
Uh oh, I thought. That thing looked an awful lot like a shark.
"Come on, kids," I called. Let's head to the shore."
"Why, Mama?" my son asked.
"Because there's a sea creature out there, and I don't know what it is."
Meanwhile, other swimmers spotted it and quickly headed for the shore. We all watched as it came closer. A fin came up, followed by a tail. That thing was huge!
We all stood there, watching it for about ten minutes. Then an intrepid group of folks with a raft decided to paddle out and investigate.
I started humming the Jaws tune.
"Is it a shark, Mama?"
"I don't know, Bubba, but those guys are nuts!"
The rafters came within five feet of the creature.
"It's a manatee!" they shouted. Then they took another look. "There are two of them!"
Great. So then everyone, including my kids, swam out to see the manatees.
I was a little more cautious. Because where there are manatees, there are sharks. I kept a wary eye on the waves, making sure no other suspicious fins popped out of the water.
Fortunately, under my watch, there were no more sea creatures. But when we were at the pool later in the evening, there were a bunch of people talking about a nine foot shark they had just seen. I bet that shark was hunting manatees!
Now for the game:
It's like "Where's Waldo?" but this is "Where's Sherry, Bubba, and Squirt (my daughter)?"
See if you can find us in this picture:
(I enlarged the picture to help you see it. Hint: I'm not the dude in the blue shirt who got cut off.)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Today, I'd like to welcome author, Kamy Chetty to my pad.
Here's a short bio about Kamy:
Your dogs keep you out of trouble? Really? My dog is always causing trouble, and I can't seem to get out of it! I can relate to the bookshelf issues. I seem to have that problem, too!
Kamy's son is a bit old than my boy, Bubba. I guess he's pretty techno savy. Here's a short Mama story from Kamy:
It's my pleasure! Keep stopping by, and you'll hear all kinds of stories from me!
And now here's information about Kamy's books. We will have a giveaway: One lucky commenter will receive a download of Breathe Again and another will receive a download of Family Ties. If you have a preference, please let us know in your comments.
Skylar knows one thing—she’s head over nurse’s shoes in love with the stubborn and unemotional Nick. She loves him enough to believe in the man he is, even though he can’t see it for himself and hides behind a mask. As he calls their child “hers” and tries to live apart from her, Skylar’s heart breaks, but she refuses to give up hope that he’ll do the right thing.
When disaster strikes, Skylar realizes Nick might never change, so she risks everything and sets him free, hoping he’ll come back, for her and their baby. Is heat, passion and a vow enough to seal this marriage and make them a family?
cannot conceive a child naturally. A man who feels guilt over his ex-wife's death, cannot find closure. Can the attraction these two people feel be enough to overcome their conflicting desires, especially when Jack finds himself the guardian of a baby he isn't sure he can be responsible for.
Before I go, I'd like to wish all dads out there, a very Happy Father's Day! (I'll be out of the blogosphere for a few days. When I come back, I'll announce the winners!)
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
My kids ran out of their rooms, covering their ears. "Mom, what's going on?" they shouted.
"Don't know, but I'll figure it out!"
I didn't smell anything weird. I didn't see anything weird. It was puzzling.
After about two minutes, the ear piercing noise stopped. I looked at those stupid alarms on the ceiling and secretly said a few bad words to them (don't tell my kids!).
Aggravated, I went down into the basement to see if anything odd was going on down there. That's when I noticed the sump pump battery. The "fill water" light was on. Fine. I grabbed the distilled water and battery pump filler thing and took care of that little problem. I think something weird was going on with the battery, because the skin on my face and hands burned so bad from just being around it! ( I later called my husband - who's in Atlanta of course - and told him about it. He said the battery was probably giving off harmful hydrogen compounds which burned my skin and caused the alarms to go off. Great.)
Next problem: "Mama, I want French Toast for breakfast," my son said.
Okay. What could be hazardous about making French Toast? I turned the stove on to heat the pan. Unfortunately, I didn't notice that the darn thing didn't ignite (it's gas). About 20 seconds later, I noticed a horrible smell. I secretly muttered a few more bad words, turned the stove off, and turned the oven fans on, hoping to clear the air. I also went to the sliding back door and opened that. As I closed the screen door, I smashed my index and middle fingers into it. Pain!!!!! My fingers immediately swelled up.
So now here I am with smashed fingers, burnt skin, and a practically busted eardrum. I'd say that's a bad day!
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I was outside weeding, and Schultz decided he was going to help. He stuck his big snout in the dirt and yanked a few out. As he did, some moths were disturbed. They flew up, attempting to get away from the two mammals who were invading their territory.
Schultz immediately dropped the weeds and took off in hot pursuit. Those stupid moths weren 't smart enough to fly high, so of course, Schultz caught one in his ginormous mouth.
"Schultz, drop it!" I said.
It was a little too late for that. Schultz swallowed it whole. Then he went off to chase the other one.
"Schultz!" I yelled.
He didn't listen. He pursued that thing until he caught it. And yes, he swallowed it whole. Apparently moths are a doggy delicacy.
So now I'm going to put up a sign on my backyard fence: "Danger: This Premise is Guarded by a Moth Killing Dog! Enter at Your Own Risk!"
Monday, June 10, 2013
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who commented on Jenny's guest post. You guys are awesome! The winner of the giveaway is Arni at Travel Gourmande. Congratulations, Arni!
It was a crazy weekend! Yesterday, after preparing my house for another showing, I had to go to a theater to assist with our dance studio's annual showcase recitals. It was 8 1/2 hours of dealing with toddlers in tutus! I don't mind those adorable little princesses, but when they're biting and scratching, and hitting, and dancing on tables, and drawing on floors, I get just a wee bit grouchy! Oy!
But that's not my story. Here's my story:
A few days ago, I shipped my eight year old son, to his Grandpa's house. (Okay, not really shipped, but had him picked up and taken there.) I couldn't handle my kids bickering non-stop while I was stressing over cleaning every single piece of dog hair off of the floor. I figured the only way I would get a little peace was to remove one of my offspring. (I was right!)
Grandpa was thrilled to spend a little time with his grandson.
When Bubba came home, he raided the refrigerator. "Mama, I'm starving! Grandpa didn't feed me!"
I looked at the kid. "What do you mean, 'Grandpa didn't feed you'?"
"He didn't give me dinner the whole time I was there. Except for one time when he fed me fried cereal."
My eyes got real big. "Fried cereal? What the heck is that? What kind of cereal?" I had to know.
"Grandpa put some Cheerios in a frying pan and fried it up. Then he put some peaches on top."
I shook my head. "Well, at least he didn't shoot a squirrel and put it in his crockpot for you to eat."
My son laughed. "Grandpa tried to shoot a snake, but it got away. He probably would've tried to cook that if he had killed it."
I seriously need to have a talk with that guy! Oy gewalt!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Today, I have a special guest: Jenny Brigalow, author of A Man for All Seasons.
Jenny, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Born in Britain, I arrived in Australia as a young woman in 1985 for an impromptu holiday and never left. I fell in love with the Australian bush, its unique flora and fauna and the colourful personalities that inhabit the country. I live on a small acreage close to Toowoomba with my family, dogs, cats and ponies.
I love to write. I write rural romance, young adult and, more recently, literary fiction. When I'm not writing, I'm reading, walking or riding my Connemara pony, Romeo. Rural romance is a natural extension of my passion for all things country. I believe that romance is the universal language of love. And besides, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.
I like happy endings, too!
Jenny was so gracious to share a cool "Mama" story that has a little Australian flavor. Here it is:
And now here's information about Jenny's book:
Sweet, spoiled Seraphim, a gifted dressage rider, is also distracted. Engaged to the eminently suitable Barry Wellington-Worth, the arrival of cool, confident Chad forces her to re-examine her life. When she discovers the devastating truth that she does not love Barry, and learns that Chad’s cook has been injured, Seraphim jumps at the chance to take up the position on his remote property and escape the confines of her English life.
In the great dust bowl of the Australian Outback the couple find they have more in common than horses. Their love blooms as they work hard to start a new life together. But Seraphim’s family, and the past, threatens to tear them apart. It is only when the truth is laid bare that the barriers are broken down.
One lucky commenter will win a free download of A Man For All Seasons!
Thanks for stopping by, Jenny! I wish you all the best with your book!
Thursday, June 6, 2013
"Mama," he said. "Can we go to the lake to look for turtles?"
We drove to the park and commenced the turtle hunt. Bubba poked under rocks and bushes and fallen-down logs. But he didn't find a turtle.
"Mama, where are they?"
I did some deep thinking. "I know! Follow me!"
We walked and walked. All the way into town where the candy store was.
"Mama, there aren't any turtles in the candy store!"
I gave him a big grin. "Are you sure about that?"
We walked in and went up to the counter. We looked in the glass display. And guess what we saw? Turtles! The chocolate kind. And guess what else? They even had snapping turtles! We bought a few of those things and tried them out.
(Let me just say, snapping turtles are pretty nasty - even the chocolate kind! Those things were so spicy hot, my mouth was on fire after eating one! I guess if I ever want to cure my chocolate addiction, all I have to do is eat about four of those things.)
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
We stood under a tree, staring at the water.
"Mama, this is boring," my eight-year-old son said. "Let's dance."
"What?" I asked. "I'm holding this dog, and I really don't feel like dancing."
"Lighten up, Mama. The dog will be fine. Let go of the leash and follow me."
I gave the leash to my daughter and walked with the boy. After a while, he stopped, took my hand, and started spinning. Then he did some sort of tango move. "Come on, Mama. Dance!"
I rolled my eyes and started dancing. And guess what? It was fun!
We danced all around the field. When we were done, we plopped down next to the dog.
"See Mama, wasn't that better than staring at the water?"
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
"Bubba, you can get out of there," I said.
He slid out. "Mama, how did you know where I was?"
"I have super powers!"
"No you don't Mama, because you don't know what I'm thinking."
"What are you thinking?"
"It begins with the letter 'p' and it's something I really like."
"Yeah! How did you guess?"
"I told you. I'm the Mama. And mamas have super powers!"
(Speaking of super powers, I'm going to seriously need some. It's been quite a challenge having my house ready for showings and keeping up with all my regular work. If I skip a few days here and there, I apologize. It's just because I'm ridiculously busy!)
Monday, June 3, 2013
We made our way to the Little Miami River, one of our favorite places to hang out. A nice little family of ducks swam by - a mama duck and about six babies. We watched them for a while and then continued our hike along the river. Eventually, my son decided he wanted to get up close and personal with the river. He took off his shoes and socks and handed them to me. Then he waded in. After a few minutes he reached down and pulled up a rock. "Mama, fossils!"
I walked over to see what he had found. "Yes, Bubba. Those are fossils."
"Are they trilobites?"
"No, Bubba. They look like crinoids."
"Oh. Can you hold this, Mama?"
I took it from him and he continued his search.
A few minutes later, he found a smooth, water-worn stone. "Here, Mama. Hold this."
I dutifully took the stone and added it to the collection.
Then he found another rock. "Mama, is this a moon rock?"
I looked at the thing. "No, Bubba. It's limestone."
"Oh. Hold this, too."
"Yeah, Mama. It's special."
Then he reached down and pulled up a giant rock. It was covered in mud.
"Mama, check this out!"
"Bubba, it's a rock with a lot of mud on it!"
"No, Mama. It's a wonder of nature!"
He spent the next twenty minutes carefully examining that rock, and everything in the mud. He found tiny shells, fossils, water bugs, and marine plant life.
Okay. So maybe the kid was right. It was a wonder of nature. But I definitely wasn't going to add that thing to my collection of fossils, rocks, and socks!
Sunday, June 2, 2013
"I'm making copies of this and taping it to every door in the house," she announced.
I looked at the paper. It was a sign. And here's what it said:
This house is filled with
And lots of other scary things.
DO NOT BUY THIS HOUSE
Okay, then. Now who wants to buy my house?