Mama Diaries

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Possy Party

"Mom," my six-year-old son called, "we have to go to Recreation Outlet." "Why?" I asked. "All of my friends from school are going to be there. We're going to have a playdate." "Really?" I couldn't imagine that a bunch of six-year-old boys could plan a playdate. "Okay," I said. "Let's go. But don't be disappointed if nobody else comes." Two minutes after we arrived, he spotted one of his buddies. Then another showed up. Then another, and another, and another. There were about seven boys from his class at Recreation Outlet. I looked at one of the moms. "Did you know they were having a playdate?" "That's what my son said," she replied. "But I didn't believe him." It's pretty amazing what boys can accomplish at school!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Bloody Day

This morning when I went into my son's kindergarten class to help, I never suspected I'd walk out bleeding. The project was to make a simple spring clock. The kids colored the clocks and I assembled them using brass fasteners. I was poking a hole through one of the clocks when I noticed that I had blood streaming all around the nail of my index finger. "Mrs. Ellis!" one little girl cried in alarm. "You're bleeding all over." Indeed I was. There was blood on the table, blood on the clocks, and blood all over my finger. Oddly, I hadn't even felt it happen. I calmly went to the nearest sink and cleaned myself. I found a bandage and applied it. Problem solved. Then I went home. I was unprepared for what awaited me there. My husband had let out our German Shepherd puppy in the back yard. Apparently he had been rough-housing with the Huskey next door. His ear was torn in half. He was a bloodly mess. I quickly called the vet and sent him in for stitches. Unfortunately, the dog's ear will never be the same. (So much for being a show dog!) I'll be glad when this bloody day is over!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I took my son to the pet store to get nutrition for our many varmits. At the check out counter, there was a display of dog treats. "What are those?" my son asked the worker. "Those are dog cookies," she said. "Some have garlic in them. Others have peanut butter inside." "Mmmm," my son said. "I like peanut butter. Can humans eat them?" "I don't think they taste very good," the lady answered. "I eat anything," my son responded. "Except tomatoes and raisins." "You are not eating dog cookies!" I exclaimed as I dragged his drooling body out of the store.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Dog Hairs and Nose Prints

I spent about an hour cleaning the inside of my car today. I cleaned up all of the kids' trash. I vacuumed the seats. I cleaned all of the windows. Let me tell you, the inside of that car was sparkling. Then do you know what happened? My dear husband decided to take the big German Shepherd puppy to the pet store. Of course he threw that beast into the back seat of MY car. I couldn't believe it. When I went to take my daughter to dance class, I found my back seat completely covered in dog hair and I found nose prints all over the back windows. Ugh! Why me?

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Poo Poo Snoo Snoo

"Mom, don't cut the cantalope!" my son exclaimed as he saw me brandishing a big knife. "Why?" I asked. "Because it's a Poo Poo Snoo Snoo." "A what?" "A Poo Poo Snoo Snoo." "What is a Poo Poo Snoo Snoo?" I asked trying to surpress a grin. "It's a rotten brain in disguise as a cantalope." "Is it edible?" "No, but it's very valuable. It's worth ten million dollars." "I see," I said. "What should we do with this Poo Poo Snoo Snoo?" "Sell it." (Would anybody like a Poo Poo Snoo Snoo? It's cheap - only ten million dollars! )

Friday, March 25, 2011


"Mom, am I famous?" my six-year-old son asked.

"No, not yet, but maybe someday you will be," I replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because I'm on TV," he said pointing at a store monitor.

He did a little robot dance which we viewed on the screen.

I chuckled. "What do you think you'd be famous for?"

He thought for a moment. "For blocking toilets more than anyone else in the history of the world."

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Missing Kid

I took my son to the grocery store today. He insisted on getting one of those carts that looks like a police car in the front. He crawled inside and I pushed him around the store. After I had finished collecting a mountain of food, I pushed my big cart to the check out counter. The lady rang up my stuff while I talked with her. I pulled up the cart so that the bagger could load it up. When we were finished I proceeded to leave the store. I saw my son's hat through the back window of the police car, so I thought everything was just fine.

On the way out, in the lobby of the store, I saw one of my son's former preschool teachers. I said "hi" to her. She absolutely did not recognize me. I thought though, that she would see my son and comment. She did not. "Hmmm," I thought, "I wonder what's going on here."

That's when I walked to the front of the cart to peek inside the police car. I wanted to see what my son was up to. He had been rather quiet. Guess what? He wasn't there! (His hat was though.)

I thought I was going to have a heart attack!

I quickly went back to the check out area. I spotted him right away. Do you know where he was? He was standing in front of the lottery machine trying to get instant lottery tickets.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Mulch Mountain

Spring is here. It is time to spruce up the flower beds. And you know what that means -the arrival of the mulch pile!

My kids love the mulch pile. This year we had an added bonus - a dirt pile! (I really have a lot of work to do this year.) Kids and dirt are like magnets. They were on top of that thing quicker than I could say, "spring." I turned around to get a shovel, and guess what happened next? Six more neighborhood kids piled onto that thing. They were dancing and singing, and sliding down it on their backsides.

"It's a spring mulch party!" one kid said.

Another kid jumped from the dirt pile to the mulch pile. "I'm standing in cow manure. It's warm!"

My kids went inside to get some girl scout cookies for party food.

"Hey!" I said, "Your hands are filthy! Don't eat anything with those dirty hands!"

They didn't listen.

They were so filthy by the time they were done with their "mulch party," I could not believe it.

I hosed them off in the backyard, but their clothes were still covered in dirt.

I'm sure their parents were thrilled!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Pizza Face

I took my six-year-old son out to eat at a local pizzeria today. He ordered a children's personal pizza. It arrived with a nice little tomato-sauce smiley face.

"Oh, that't cute," I said.

"Yeah," he replied.

I ate my food and watched as he picked at his pizza, barely eating a thing.

"Are you going to eat that thing?" I asked as I finished my last bite.

"I'm not hungry," he said.

"Okay, we'll take it home."

We put it in a box and took it home. A little while later he was famished. "I'll eat my pizza now."

I warmed it up and put it in front of him.

"Can you cut it up? I don't want to mess up it's face."

"Are you telling me that you didn't eat your pizza because you didn't want to mess up its face?"


Saturday, March 19, 2011


One of my favorite things to do when I was a kid, was blow bubbles (the soap kind). Today we decided to see if the dog liked bubbles too.

My son and I stood on one side of our backyard fence and blew so that the bubbles travelled to the other side where the dog was. He jumped up trying to catch them. He snapped at them with his mouth. He even caught a few. It was hilarious to watch.

Eventually the dog grew tired of the game. I think he learned that bubbles don't taste very good!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Snake Food

"Mom," my daughter said as she ran into the house. "We need snake food."

"What?" I replied. This didn't sound good. "Why do we need snake food?"

"We have a snake living in the backyard."


"But we need to help him."

"Listen," I replied. "I've been feeding a frog, fish, a rescued box turtle, a rescued cat, a dog, and a bird. I even fed that raccoon before he ate all of that Halloween candy and knocked himself off. I don't need to feed a snake."

"Please. We have to take care of him."

"If he's living in our backyard, the dog will take care of him."

End of story.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Search for the Missing Belt

It was a typical morning. The kids and I were rushing around trying to get ready to go to school.

"Mom, what did you do with my belt?" my daughter called.

"I didn't do anything with it," I said.

"Yes you did. It's not on the bathroom floor where it belongs."

"Um, here's a news alert. Your belt doesn't belong on the bathroom floor. It belongs in your drawer. Why don't you check there," I replied.

Two seconds later: "It's not in my drawer."

I went into her room. It looked like a tornado went through it. "Why don't you try cleaning your room. I bet you'll find it."

"Why should I bother, it's going to get all messy again," was her response.

I just shook my head.

After I had taken the kids to the bus stop, I went back into the disaster area. I started cleaning. Guess what I found? One belt was under a pile of books she had on the floor, and the other was in her rocking chair under a pile of stuffed animals.

It's amazing what you can find when you clean!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Leprechaun Tales

I went to school today to help out with my son's kindergarten class. The project of the day was making leprechauns. I took two kids at a time and went out into the hall where we colored and assembled the little Irish elves.

"My brother caught a leprechaun once," one little boy said.

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow. "And what exactly did he do with the leprechaun?"

"Um, I don't really know."

"Right. Okay, so what would you do if you caught a leprechaun?' I asked.

"I'd steal his gold."

"It's not nice to steal," I said in full mommy mode.

"Well then, I'd throw him in a garbage can and run him over. And then I'd take him to the garbage dump and squish him to make sure he was really dead. And then the gold would be mine."

Wow. I'd have to say I'm a little worried about that kid! Glad he's not mine!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Lego Destruction

My son, like many boys, likes building Lego sets. (Usually I'm the one doing most of the work.) Today, he asked if he could have some help putting together a six-hundred piece Indiana Jones airplane/jeep set. I agreed to help him, but told him that we should put it together in his bedroom so that the dog wouldn't get it. I thought I could outsmart that darn German Shepherd puppy.

So we spread out the plastic parts on his bedroom floor and went to work. Two hours later, we had the jeep and most of the plane put together. I was getting tired, so I decided to take a break.

"Please put your parts in a ziplock bag and make sure the plane and jeep are high enough so that the dog doesn't get them if he wanders up here." I instructed.

Well, those words fell on deaf ears.

I came downstairs and found the dog chewing on a banana peel he had taken from the garbage. Of course, that aggravated me, because now I had to clean up banana peel shreds. I took his leash off, attempting to send him outside. That was a big mistake. He had other ideas. He charged up the stairs, right into my son's bedroom and promptly destroyed the jeep and airplane.

I think that beastly creature had been devising a master plan of destruction while we were busy constructing!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Delivering Girl Scout Cookies

My daughter sold 236 boxes of girl scout cookies. We have been delivering those darn things for the last three weeks. Of course it wasn't something easy like delivering the cookies to one or two work places. No. That wouldn't have been so bad. We actually went door to door in several different neighborhoods selling those cookies. Of course we've had to make several trips back to houses because people weren't home.

Let me tell you, my daughter and I are really dragging now.

"Mom, do I have to do this?"



"Because I'm not paying for 200 boxes of girl scout cookies!"

I really can't wait to be done with this! (Oh, and did I mention I'm the cookie mom for the troop?)

Friday, March 11, 2011

Picture Day

It was picture day at the school today. This is always a major challenge when it comes to making my six-year old son look presentable.

I went through the checklist.

Hair combed: Check
Teeth brushed: Check
Crud wiped off of the face: Check
Descent clothes: Check

I thought everything would be just fine.

Later in the day, my son came off of the school bus.

"How did picture day go?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay, except somebody put a booger on my shirt."

"What?" I just could not believe it. "Was the booger on your shirt for the picture?"


That was good news.

"What did you do with it?" I asked.

"I took it off and put it on my shoe."

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Day the Steam Cleaner Died

Steam cleaners are an absolute necessity if you have kids or animals. I can't tell you how many times I've pulled ours out to clean vomit and filth.

Well, today our trusty steam cleaner bit the dust. It was a darned shame too, because we really needed it!

It has been raining here in Cincinnati, for several days now. The ground is an absolute mud pool. This is not good when you have a big dog who just wants to be outside.

Our six-month old German Shepherd puppy was barking his head off while I was trying to teach violin lessons.

"Take the beast outside!" I called.

My kids obliged, and it was peaceful.

A little while later, the dog was barking at the back door wanting to come in. Apparently he was tired of playing in the rain. One of my kids let him in. That doggone dog charged into the house and ran into the living room where I was teaching. He was filthy! Muddy footprints were all over the carpet. As if that weren't bad enough, he decided to jump onto the sofa and sit. The sofa was a complete muddy mess!

I was one grouchy mama! (Even when the dog is clean, I don't let him in the dining room area or the living room area. That's my dog-free zone. Everything is neat and orderly in those rooms! And I never let the dog on furniture!)

So after my student left, I pulled out the steam cleaner. It made some horrible noise and then ceased functioning. I can't say I blame it though. If I had to suck up all that dog hair and dirt, I'd cease functioning too!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


My son is very interested in caves. Perhaps it's because we have visited the Natural History Museum numerous times and walked through the cave exhibit there. Today we had a discussion about caves.

"Mommy, when can we go to Mammoth Caves?"

"Maybe in the summer. That's not something we can just go do in an afternoon because it's far away."

"How far?"

"It would take about four hours to get there."

"Oh." He thought for a little while. "Where's the closest cave?"

"Well," I replied, "Seven Caves is about two hours away, and Old Man Cave is about two hours away."

"Can we go in the caves?"

"Not at Seven Caves. Those are closed to the public because some aren't safe, and also because vandals ruined some of them."

"Oh. Would they open them for birthday parties?"


"Yeah, can I have a birthday party there and invite my friends?

"Dude, I don't think anyone is going to drive two hours for your birthday party!"

He was disappointed. "I really want a cave party!"

"All right, little caveman. I'll decorate our house to look like a cave, and we can have a cave party!"

He was pleased. Now I just have to figure out how to make stalagtites and stalagmites!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Soap Production

"Woman!" my husband bellowed from his office. "What do you have cooking in the microwave?"

"Glycerin soap," I responded.

"What?" My husband could not believe his ears. "Woman, don't you know you don't cook soap?"

Now I admit, I have made some culinary disasters, but this wasn't one of them. I was actually working on making soaps with my daughter. She wanted to sell them at her school sale. The directions in the soap-making kit said that I needed to microwave the squares of soap. So I dutifully melted soap in the microwave. We mixed in the scents and coloring and poured them into molds. We waited 45 minutes for them to harden, and then popped them out.

When they were finished, I showed them to my husband. "See, you can cook soap in a microwave!"

Monday, March 7, 2011

Doggy Debt

Today I had a radio interview to do as part of my World of Ink Book Tour. I sent my son outside with his remote control airplane and instructions to keep himself busy.

He kept himself busy - at least for a little while. Then he decided to play with the dog. He let the dog outside. Unfortunately the young man forgot to put away his airplane. The dog decided to use it as a chew toy. Before my little guy could get it out of his mouth, the dog had chomped off a wing and tail piece.

My son was devastated. After I got done with the interview, I found my son in tears.

"Mommy, that bad doggy ate my airplane!"

"I'm so sorry," I replied. "What should we do about that?"

"Send him to his crate!" Then he added, "He also owes me $50.00 so I can buy a new one. No - he owes me twenty-five $50's so I can buy whatever I want!"

Hmmm. That dog better get a job!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Scratch and Sniff T-shirts

When I was a kid, we had scratch and sniff stickers. I thought those things were the coolest things ever. Rootbeer was my favorite scratch and sniff sticker.

Today my daughter and I walked into a store called Justice. It's a store with all of the latest fashion trends for tween girls. Guess what we found? Scratch and sniff t-shirts. There was a whole table full of them.

"Mom, sniff this," my daughter said.

I stuck my nose next to the t-shirt.

"Mmmm. Chocolate!"

"Oh, mom, check this out."

"That smells like a cupcake."

"And this one smells like bubble gum."

I can just imagine how stupid I looked sniffing shirts.

Can you imagine what it's going to be like when kids are wearing them and asking each other if they can sniff their shirts!

Thursday, March 3, 2011


I know, you're thinking, "What the heck is oobleck?" It's wonderful, glorious goop! If any of you are Dr. Seuss fans, you know that March 2nd was his birthday. Well, oobleck is some cool stuff that's mentioned in one of his books.

To honor Dr. Seuss's birthday, the kids in my son's kindergarten class made some. My son wasn't there because he was sick. Today, however, when he went to school, the teacher gave him the recipe. So when he came home, we rolled up our sleeves and went to work making the goop.

"Mommy, what is this stuff?" my son asked as he let the stuff drip off his hands.


"Ooo what?"


"This is cool, Mommy! Try it."

I tried grabbing the stuff. It was a very odd experience. It felt solid, like I could roll it in a ball, but when I lifted it up, it turned all liquidy. It was definitely cool!

Here's the recipe if you want to try it at home:

You'll need: cornstarch, water, food coloring, a bowl, and spoon.

Mix 1/2 cup cornstarch. Add 1/4 plus 1 tbsp water

Stir in a few drops of food coloring.

Put your hands in the mix, and have fun playing with it!

Hint - cover the table. It can get messy!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Poker Player

I took my son to the doctor today, because he has been sick. His illness didn't stop him from being a talkative little guy. He wanted to tell everyone about the hundred dollar bill he had recently acquired from the bank after saving all of his coins.

"Wow! That's great," said the receptionist. "Maybe you'll be a banker someday."

"Um, I think I'll be a poker player," he responded.

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. "What?" I exclaimed. "Why in the world would you want to be a poker player. You could lose all your money! And who told you about poker anyway?"

"Daddy," he responded. "Daddy made a lot of money playing poker one time. So I can too."

Oh boy. I'm going to have to have a talk with Daddy!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Paper Airplane Race

Today my son was sick. He was also utterly bored out of his mind because I wouldn't let him run around outside.

"Mom, there's nothing to do! I'm bored!"

Just then I spied a piece of paper. "Well then, let's make paper airplanes and race them."

So that's what we did. We flew those things all over. The dog went nuts, trying to get at them too.

"Mom, this is the best sick day ever!"

It's amazing what a piece of paper and a little creativity can do!