Mama Diaries

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year and the Dog Bath

I'd like to wish all of you a very Happy New Year!  Here's to a year of health, happiness, and productivity!

Our German Shepherd, Schultz is ready for the new year.  You may recall that he had a doggy makeover a couple of days ago, and ended up with red lipstick all over his face. My daughter got most of it off, but not all.  We knew we had to give the beast a bath.

My husband is responsible for doggy baths. Mostly because the animal is so large, that I end up getting just about as wet as he does whenever I try to do the job.  This time, my husband decided to give him an extra special bath - in our jacuzzi in the Master bathroom.  (I found out about this after the bath was done.)

"Dad did what?" I asked, when I came home and my kids told me the story.

"He filled up the hot tub and gave the dog a bath," my daughter repeated.

"With bubbles and the jets going?"

She nodded.  "He loved it!"

I bet he did.  I went upstairs to inspect the damage.  Fortunately, the hair and dirt was all cleaned up, so you couldn't even tell it was done.  I turned around, and my husband grinned.  " See? I cleaned up!"

I made a face at him.  "No more hot tubs for Schultz!"

I went out of the room and saw Schultz looking very pleased at the bottom of the steps.  I shook my head.  At least he was clean.  But I don't think I'll be using that hot tub ever again!

Monday, December 29, 2014

Kisses for Schultz

The other day, my daughter had one of her friends over, and as usual, they had a makeover session.  Let me just say, that whenever a makeover session happens, the end result is far less pleasing than the original look.  This one was no exception.

When the girls came downstairs to show me their new looks, I hardly recognized them.  Foundation, about four shades too dark was smeared all over their faces.  Black eye shadow encircled their eyes.  And they were wearing bright red lipstick, which clearly was applied way outside of the lip line.  They looked hideous.

"Do you like our look?" they asked.

I made a face.  "Uh.  Not really.  Do you?"

"It's awesome!"

At that time, our giant German Shepherd, Schultz, meandered into the room.  He looked at the girls and cocked his head.  I don't think he knew what to make of the strange creatures standing in front of him.

"Hi, Schultzy!" my daughter said.  She walked up to the furry beast and planted about ten kisses on his forehead.  I knew this wasn't going to be pretty.  Sure enough, when she walked away, there were red splotches all over the poor dog's head.

"Nice job," I said.  "Now you get to wash all the kisses off.  Because I won't let Schultz be humiliated in public looking like that!"

My daughter objected. "But he needed a makeover, too!"

Right.  Next thing, she'll be putting a cute pink bow on his big, bushy tail!

Saturday, December 27, 2014

One Lovely Blog Award

I hope all of you had a really nice Christmas!  My family and I certainly did.

Today, I need to tie up a loose end.  My author friend and awesome critique partner from Cincinnati, Diana Jenkins, nominated me for the One Lovely Blog Award.  Thank you so much, Diana!

I'm supposed to tell you seven things about me, and then nominate 15 people for this award.  I'll do the first part, but since I don't exactly follow rules, I'm going to skip the second part.  If you've never received this award, please feel free to take it, because I think you're all lovely bloggers!

Here we go.  Seven things about me:

1. I'm ambidextrous.  I don't think it really does me any good though, because no matter which hand I write with, it all comes out like slop.  (My daughter is also ambidextrous, but she generally writes with her left hand, whereas I generally write with my right.  My son?  I don't think he's any handed, because he inherited my illegibility gene, and neither hand writes well.)

2.  German food makes me sick.  I'm sorry all of you fine friends in Germany, but I just can't eat your food.  Every time I visit Germany, I get food poisoning.  You guys have some kind of lethal combination of soft boiled eggs, sauerkraut and beer, that my poor tummy just can't handle.  So if I go to Germany, I stop at a store and get Erdnusse (peanut butter), bread, and a bottle of water.  And then I'm fine.

3.  I've moved ten times in my life.  And honestly, I'm a little tired of it.  I guess it's a good excuse to clean out the house, though.  If I never moved, I'd hate to see what kind of collection of needless stuff I'd have!

4.  Here's one I've never shared:  I've ruptured my eardrum twice.  Both from SCUBA diving.  Talk about painful!  I guess I'm lucky not to have any permanent damage. That would be bad, especially since I'm a professional musician!

5.  Some of you already know this, but for the new people, I used to be a figure skater.  I had big dreams of going to the Olympics.  That was almost thirty years ago.  The funny thing is, today I went roller blading with my son.   I couldn't even go backwards on those things. (Yes, I could still go forward.)  How in the world did I ever manage to spin and do triple lutzes back then on ice skates?

6.  I enjoy learning languages.  It's like putting together a puzzle.  I like seeing how languages are related.  Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of time to study and keep up with the languages I did learn, but I know bits and pieces of seven languages.

7.  It's no surprise that I enjoy music, and I play several instruments.  I just got a ukulele for Christmas, so I'm going to see if I can figure out how to play it.  Then maybe I'll take a trip to Hawaii, sit on a beach, and play it. That would be fun!

So what about you?  Have you ever visited a country and gotten food poisoning?  Any special interests or hobbies?  

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Merry Christmas, and a New Pet

Merry Christmas!  I wish all of you who celebrate it, a wonderful day!

And now for the story:

Apparently, my husband thought I needed another pet. (If you've followed me a while, you know that we used to have a regular zoo here - 23 fish, a parakeet, four hermit crabs, a cat, a turtle, a dog and a frog. The herd has dwindled a bit.)  A dog, a cat, and a frog just aren't enough.  So he got me a camel.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen.  A camel.  Meet Bart:

 Bart is our new family pet.  I like him.  He doesn't eat much, he doesn't shed much, he doesn't poop,  and he's quiet.     He's perfect.  As long as our German Shepherd, Schultz doesn't decide he likes to snack on camels, I'm sure Bart will be around for a long time.

                                      Bart would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, too!

Sunday, December 21, 2014

My Favorite Christmas Memory Blog Hop

It's time for the Favorite Christmas Memory Blog Hop hosted by Janie Junebug and Cherdo on the Flipside. Thanks, ladies, for this fun blog hop!  So, here's what I have to do:  Share my favorite Christmas memory.  This is a little tough, because I have so many.  But, if I had to narrow it down to one, it had to be when my daughter was about four years old.  The year would've been 2005.

It was Christmas Eve, and the stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon would be there.  There was a plate of Christmas cookies and a glass of milk on the table.  And even a bowl of carrots for the trusty reindeer.  But my girl refused to go to sleep.

"I want to see Santa when he comes," she said.

"He's not going to come until you're asleep."

But she didn't believe me.  She curled up next to her daddy on the sofa and patiently waited.  At 10:30 PM, the girl was still awake.  She had parked herself on the hearth of the fireplace and was staring up the chimney.

"See anything?" I asked.

"No, Mommy.  But how does Santa get down this thing?"

I shrugged.  "Very carefully."

She waited some more, but I could tell she was getting really tired.  She went back to her daddy on the sofa, curled up in a little ball, and fell asleep.

Shortly after, my husband carried her upstairs to her room, and tucked her into bed.

Then Santa came.

The next day, my little girl ran down the stairs.  The toys were under the tree and the stockings were filled.  And on the carpet, were Santa tracks.

My daughter's eyes got big.  "He came?"

"Of course," I said.  "Santa always comes after you fall asleep!"

(And that, ladies and gentlemen,  was the last time she tried staying up to see Santa!)

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Deja Vu

Today, I'm doing the Deja Vu Blog Fest hosted by D L Hammons.  Participants just have to choose a blog from the archives and repost it.  Easy!

My selection is from December 31, 2010, my first year of blogging, and when I had very few followers.  There were no comments on this original post.  It's called "Head Adjustment."  (Let's see if I get a few more comments this time around!)

"Mama, your head is on backwards," my son said as he arranged my long hair over my face. (No comments on that comment, please.)


"Yeah. Your face is on the back of your head, and your ears are on the wrong way."

"What should I do about this?" I asked.

"Shake your head like a dog."

I shook my head like a dog. 

"No, shake it three times like a dog."

My head was starting to hurt after that. "How's that?" I asked.

"Your head is still on backwards. Better try shaking it five times."

"How's that?" I asked after feeling like my neck had major whiplash.

"Um, now you look like an angry Mama."


(In case you want to know, my son, AKA Bubba, was six years old.)  Hope you enjoyed this little blast from the past!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Epic Sing-Along Fail

'Tis the season for Christmas carols. Most of us in the good old USA, know the standards:  Jingle Bells, Frosty, Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, etc. But not my son's fourth grade class.  They've missed something along the way.

My son came home from school, yesterday, with this news:  "Mama, our sing-along was an epic fail!"

"Say what?" I said.  "Explain this."

"We were supposed to sing 'Frosty the Snowman' and 'Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer' in music class. But nobody knew the words."

"Are you serious?"  I asked.

He nodded.  "They'd never heard of those songs."

Now, let me paint the picture of where I live.  This is Atlanta, Georgia.  And it's like living in the United Nations.  There are so many nationalities here, and most of the people where I live, are Asian.  My family and I are a definite minority.  The kids are first generation Americans (my neighbors don't even speak English).  So, naturally, their parents had never taught them basic American Christmas tunes.

"But don't they teach kids 'Rudolph' in first grade?" I asked.  I clearly remembered my kids being quizzed on the reindeer names back in Ohio.


"So, maybe you can teach them.  You know all the words."

"Mama, I'm not singing all by myself.  Forget it.  I'd rather deal with the epic fail!"

(So much for my great idea.)    

Monday, December 15, 2014

The Poisonous Platypus

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "Did you know that platypuses are poisonous?"

"They are?" I asked.  That was news to me.

"Yes.  They can kill a cat or dog with their venom."

"Hmm," I said.  "Did you get this information on You Tube?"

He nodded.

"Then it's probably not right," I said.

"But it was on a National Geographic video."

Uh huh.  That reminded me of the the fake Megalodon video National Geographic put out.  "Okay.  Let's see it," I said.

So he showed me.  And guess what?  Male platypuses are poisonous.  They have spurs on their hind legs that inject poison. The males use them in fighting other males for dominance and mating rights.

If you would like to learn about this silly looking creature, here's a video for you viewing enjoyment. (Now don't say you've never learned anything from visiting my pad!)

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Great Cookie Hunt

It's that time of year.  Time to bake Christmas cookies.  The problem at my pad, is that the cookies seem to disappear not long after they're baked.  One year, I went into the freezer, where supposedly 120 chocolate chip cookies were waiting to be put on trays.  But when I opened the containers, the only thing I found was a note that said, "Num Num Num."  My husband had eaten all of them!

After that experience, I felt the best thing to do was hide the cookies.  I came up with all kinds of great places to hide them, and they were never found.  My family was not pleased about this arrangement.  Especially my husband.  So this year he thinks he's going to outsmart me.

I overheard a conversation between him and my kids.  It went like this:

"Where do you think Mama hides the cookies, Daddy?"

"I don't know, Bubba.  But I'm going to find them this year!"

"I know where she hides them," my daughter said.

"Where?" asked my husband.

"I'm not telling!" she replied.

I chuckled to myself.  She gets brownie points from the Mama for that one!

Bubba got up.  "I have an idea," he said.  "Hold on a minute."

I heard him go down to the basement.  A few minutes later he came back up.

"A metal detector?" asked my husband.

"Yeah, Daddy.  She hides them in tins.  The metal detector will help us find them!"

Okay.  New plan.  All cookies will be stored in plastic Tupperware containers!

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

A Little Toe Wiggling

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop with my son at the crack of dawn.  The sun wasn't even up.  And it was freezing!  Of course standing around doing nothing makes it even colder.  So I decided to move a little.  It started with rubbing my hands together real fast.

My son gave me the evil eye.  "No, Mama.  You can't do that in public."'

I looked at the kid and started jumping up and down.

The boy frowned.  "You can't do that either."

I made a face and started wiggling my toes.  Bubba noticed.  We both laughed, but Bubba didn't approve.  "No, Mama, You can't wiggle your toes in public, either.  It's so embarrassing!"

(Who knew wiggling your toes in public could be a source of embarrassment for a kid?  I'll have to do it more!)

Monday, December 8, 2014

Fried Toothpaste

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "I need some toothpaste."

"Okay."  I didn't think there was anything unusual about that request.  But then he added something else.

"And I need a deep fryer."

"What?" I couldn't imagine what kind of craziness he was planning in his overactive mind.  "Why do you need a deep fryer?"

"Because I want to see if toothpaste can be deep fried."

I looked at the kid.  "Why?"

"Because I saw a video on YouTube.  It said it could.  But I just wanted to make sure."

"Dude.  You are not deep frying toothpaste.  If it said it could be done, then just take their word for it. End of discussion!"

"But Mama . . . "


So ladies and gentlemen, if you are dying to know if toothpaste can be deep fried, the answer is, "Yes."  Here's the video that proves it:  

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Staring at the Clouds

My ten-year-old son had parked himself in front of the TV and was playing Minecraft on Xbox.  I watched for a few minutes as he crafted his world.  Then I left the room to do other things.  When I came back, I found him lying down, with his head propped up by a sofa pillow, staring at the screen.  He was doing absolutely nothing.

"Dude," I said.  "What's up?"

"I'm just admiring the beautiful purple clouds," he said, not taking his eyes off the screen.

I glanced over at his Minecraft world.  And yes, there were purple Minecraft clouds floating in the sky in that Minecraft world.  "Seriously?" I asked.  "You're staring at Minecraft clouds?"

He nodded.  "Yes, Mama.  It's fun to stare at clouds no matter where they are!"  

Wednesday, December 3, 2014


Last night, after I had showered and gotten into my pajamas, my son decided to follow me around snapping rapid pictures of me with his iPod camera.

"Dude, do you really have to do that?"

"Yeah, Mama.  These are going to be perfect!"

"Perfect for what?"  This sounded like trouble.

"The horror video I'm going to post on YouTube!"

"The what?"  I couldn't believe it.  "No!  You are not posting any pictures of me on YouTube!  You delete all of those, right now!"

"But, Mama, this would be so awesome!" He showed me the pictures.  I looked like some kind of scary shadowy figure moving around the house.  "You look like Slenderman!"

Uh, right.  Probably more like Slendermama! (And no, ladies and gentleman, there are no horror videos of me on YouTube so don't bother looking!)