Head Adjustment

"Mama, your head is on backwards," my son said as he arranged my long hair over my face. (No comments on that comment, please.)

"Really?"

"Yeah. Your face is on the back of your head, and your ears are on the wrong way."

"What should I do about this?" I asked.

"Shake your head like a dog."

I shook my head like a dog.

"No, shake it three times like a dog."

My head was starting to hurt after that. "How's that?" I asked.

"Your head is still on backwards. Better try shaking it five times."

"How's that?" I asked after feeling like my neck had major whiplash.

"Um, now you look like an angry Mama."

Perfect.

Dirty Dog

It's raining outside. I didn't feel like going out with the dog today. So I let him run around outside by himself. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I thought a dog could stay relatively clean and return just a little wet. I was wrong.

That fifteen week old beast came galloping through the door, not only wet, but covered in mud. He shook himself, and mud went flying all over the kitchen walls. He scratched at the garbage can and got mud all over that. Muddy paw prints covered the kitchen floor. And wherever he sat, there oozed puddles of mud. Did I mention the stench? Wet dogs are bad enough. Muddy wet dogs are simply unbearable. I thought I would vomit.

I attempted to wipe the beast with a warm wet cloth. The beast was more interested in playing tug. So now the beast sits by the back door drying off while I sit here trying to figure out how I'm going to get him upstairs to give him a bath without causing permanent damage to my house.

Movie Mayhem

This afternoon I took my kids to the movies. It was one of those 3-D productions, so we got the funky glasses to go along with the tickets. Of course my kids also wanted some snacks.

"Two Kid's Combos please," I requested. It took a few minutes to receive those.

"Mama, can you hold this?" my son asked as he handed me his kid combo.

"Mama can you hold this?" my daughter asked as she handed me her 3-
D glasses. (Why do kids think their moms have as many arms as an octopus?)

We found our seats in the theater, and somehow I managed to allocate everything without dropping even so much as a popcorn kernel.

My son put on his 3-D glasses. They looked really big on his little face. I put on my 3-D glasses. They looked really small on my big face.

"Buddy," I said. "Let's switch glasses. I think I got your kid glasses."

We switched. Of course he had managed to get his buttery popcorn hands all over the lenses. When I put them on, the right lens was a mess. I couldn't get it cleaned either. So I watched the movie out of blurry 3-D glasses.

And then my daughter spilled her popcorn all over the floor.

Oh well. These are the joys of motherhood.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

Normally I wouldn't share stupidity like this, but the way my six-year-old son worded his comment was rather amusing.

"Mom," my son called. "I need you more than my sister needs you."

"Why do you need me more than your sister needs me?"

"Because I clogged the toilet with a putrid dump."

(Indeed he did, with about a half a roll of toilet paper!)

Boredom

Wasn't it Christmas just two days ago? Didn't my kids just get a whole bunch of presents? Wasn't Hanukkah earlier this month? Didn't they get enough presents then? Will someone please tell me then, why the first words out of their mouths this morning were, "Mom, I'm bored!"

Cookie Hiding Place Revealed

All right. Here it is: the secret hiding place for my delectable chocolate chip cookies. Actually, there were two places, just because I don't like to put all of my eggs in one basket.

Location number one: in the appliance garage on the kitchen counter. My husband never uses the mixer, so I figured that was a pretty safe place.

Location number two: in the basement on a shelf behind paint cans. I didn't think he'd be doing any painting projects. I was right.

If you see my husband, don't tell him! I may have to do it again next year!

Christmas Capers

First of all, Merry Christmas! At the time of this writing, it is now late in the evening of December 25th.

Let me tell you about my day. It began with the usual inspection of presents under the tree (which occurred at 1:30 AM). (My kids aren't very good about waiting for the sun to rise, so Santa has to stop at my house before midnight.)

After breakfast, the kids and I made popcorn garland to string on the trees outside. That was fine, until the dog decided that popcorn garland looked mighty tastey. He jumped up, snagged a string, and proceeded to devour it. Of course, we had to grab that from him, because dogs can't digest popcorn. That was fun.

Next project: Making the Gingerbread House. I usually make a "gingerbread house" out of graham crackers and cake frosting. This year something possessed me to buy one of those fancy kits complete with Willy Wonka candy.

I squirted the packet of icing onto the panels of the house and attempted to "glue" them together. That was a good trick, since the icing was a little on the runny side. I finally got the house together. Then it was time to add the details. Here's how that went:

"Mommy, frost the roof."

"Mommy the wall is falling down."

"Mommy the roof is sliding off."

"Mommy add more icing."

"Mommy the front caved in."

"Mommy, the whole house fell down."

Ugh. Sorry kids. Better luck next year. (Note to self: Use cake frosting instead of icing to assemble the house.)

Finally, my son came running into my room.

"Mommy, come quick!"

"What?"

"Look!"

I looked. "What the heck is in your sister's hair?" I said looking at the glob of pink stuff that was plastered in her hair.

"Flarp."

Yeah. Flarp (aka: noisy putty) from Santa. What was Santa thinking?

So I spent the rest of the day getting Flarp out of my daughter's hair.

Cheers!