Cat Attack

The boys are in trouble.  Which ones? My husband and our 100 pound German Shepherd, Schultz.  They were very, very bad!

My husband had the brilliant idea to go to the pet store with Schultz to get him more food.  They marched into the store and got the stuff, but instead of just paying and leaving, they decided to do a grand tour of the store.  Which took them right to the cat section.  The cute little puddy cats were all snuggled in their cubby holes minding their own business.  Schultz spied them through the clear glass windows.  So did my husband.

"Get the cats, Schultz!" he said.

Schultz was very happy to oblige.  He jumped up against the window and barked ferociously at them.

Of course that raucous attracted the attention of the pet store employee who came running to see what the problem was.  She flipped her lid.  "What do you think you are doing?" she hollered at my husband.  "You're traumatizing the cats!"

That didn't faze my husband or the dog.  My husband grinned and the dog wagged his tail.  They wandered off while the employee tried to soothe the poor, frightened cats.

(I'm absolutely positive that my husband and Schultz are banned from all Petsmart stores across America for that nasty stunt!)
 

Toxic Milk

"Mom," my eleven-year-old daughter said.  "Can you make me some toxic milk?"

"Excuse me?" I asked.  "How am I supposed to do that?"

"Just pour some milk in a glass and add toxic syrup.  Come on, Mom.  You know how to do it!"

"You want me to poison you?"  I asked.

The girl looked at me like I had twenty-six eyeballs.  "What are you talking about, Mom?"

"Toxic milk."

She started laughing.  "No, Mom.  Chocolate.  Chocolate milk."

"Oh," I said.  "That makes more sense.  You need to speak a little more clearly."

"And you need to get your hearing checked."

Right.     

The Coke Slushie Experiment

Last night, my house was full of kids attempting to make Coke slushies.   They had a bunch of room-temperature bottles of Coke which they put in the freezer.  After  a certain period of time, they took the bottles out and opened them.  The end result was supposed to be an icy treat.  But here's what really happened:

I heard loud laughter coming from the kitchen.  It sounded like a pack of hyenas in there.  I quickly went to investigate.  And what do you think I saw?

A Coke bottle exploding streams of sticky brown liquid all over my ceiling, walls, and floor!  My jaw dropped!  "What are you doing?" I hollered.

I quickly grabbed the bottle and pointed the spray downward into the sink.  "Don't you people realize we're trying to sell this place?"  I was ready to blow a gasket!

It suddenly got quiet.

"We'll clean it up, Mom," my daughter said.

"Yeah, you'd better or else!"

Ugh!




Here's what the little experiment should be like.  (Doesn't it look so calm and peaceful?)

How to Jump into a Pool

I took my kids to the pool to cool off from the summer heat.  My daughter found one of her friends and promptly began goofing around.

"Mom, check this out!"  She held out her arms and did a zombie walk into the pool.

I laughed.  "Nice."

Her friend decided to do something outrageous, too.  "Mrs. Ellis, watch this!"  She ran backwards into the pool.

"Be careful," I said.  "I don't want you to get hurt!"

The girls continued their little game.  Here's what they came up with:

1.  Running cannonball:  Run as fast as you can and do a cannonball jump, creating the largest splash possible.

2.  Miss America walk:  Smile pretty and wave as you daintily step into the water.

3.  Skip:  No explanation necessary.

4.  Cartwheel:  Ditto.  Just don't hit your head.

5. Tap dance:  Do a series of fallaps until you're in (be careful not to stub your toes).

6.  Do the Chicken Dance and give a big BRAWK when you hit the water.

7.  Do it Gangnam Style.

So there you go, ladies and gentlemen.  If you're ever not sure about how to enter the water, try one of these.  I'm sure you'll make a big splash and impress all the sun bathers who will be watching!

Skywire to the Moon

Did any of you see that guy walk across the Grand Canyon on a type rope yesterday?  It was shown on the Discovery Channel.  The kids wanted to see it in lieu of movie night, so we parked ourselves in front of the television and watched the spectacle.

The man was on the wire for over twenty minutes without a tether or safety net - 1400 feet above the canyon floor! Completely insane! I was pretty nervous for him when he had to stop and kneel a few times because the wire was starting to bounce too much.  But somehow he did it.  He now has the distinction of being the first person to walk across the Grand Canyon on a two inch rope. 

Now my son has some big ideas.

"Mama, do you want to know what I'm going to do when I grow up?" he asked.

I looked at the kid.  "I certainly hope it's not walk across the canyon on a type rope!"

"No, Mama.  It's even better."

I gave him my squinty eye look.  "What do you have in mind, Bubba?"

"I'm going to walk on a type rope all the way to the moon!"

Uh, right.  Good luck with that, kid!

Birdy's Big Escape

Our senile old parakeet decided to bust out of her cage.  It happened while I was changing her paper towels that line the bottom of her abode.  When the tray is removed, there's a small space where she can sneak out.  She saw her big opportunity when I left the room.

When I returned, the little green and yellow feather ball was missing.  I looked around.  "Sunshine!" I called.

I didn't hear Sunshine, but I heard the panting of Schultz, our giant German Shepherd, behind the couch. 

Uh oh.

Sure enough, the beast was towering over the tiny bird, who was crouched down on the floor.  Drool dripped out of his jowls onto her feathers.  She did not look happy.

"Schultz, get out of here!" I said.

Schultz didn't listen.  He stuck his big nose against the bird and gave her a good sniff.

Exasperated, I grabbed the dog by his collar and led him to his crate.

Then I returned to Sunshine and put my finger out for her to climb aboard.  The dumb bird just wanted to peck it. "Sunshine, get with the program!" I said.

She didn't understand a word I said, so I just picked her up and plopped her back on her perch.

She gave me a little chirp, fluffed her feathers, and promptly went to sleep.

I guess the excitement was a little too much for her to handle!

Wicked Flood

My boy has a habit of blocking toilets.  (If that's all you need to know, skip the rest of this post!)

It happened again at my dad's house.  "Do you know what that kid did?" my dad asked.

"No," I answered.  "What did he do?"

"He left a present for me in the bathroom."

I tried not to laugh.  "Did he, now?"

"Yes.  And when I tried to flush it, the toilet overflowed.  About two inches of water puddled on the floor."

I wrinkled my nose.  "That's pretty disgusting."

The man continued.  "Then your son came in the bathroom and saw the mess.  Do you know what he said?" 

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'That looks like a pretty wicked flood.  I'm going to go back up to the attic now while you clean it up.'"

I nodded.  That sounded about right.

My father had more to say on the subject.  "Later I went down into the basement, and noticed water on the ceiling right below the bathroom."

"Uh, oh," I said.  "So you had some water damage from the wicked flood?"

"Yes.  I had to replace five ceiling tiles."

Poor dad.  Yep, I'd have to agree with Bubba - that was a pretty wicked flood!