Mama Diaries

Saturday, April 18, 2015

The Twenty-Six Dollar Burger

My family and I went out to eat at a rather pricey restaurant.  Instead of getting something out of the ordinary, my son opted for a burger.

I looked at the menu. "Twenty-six dollars for a burger?" I said. "This had better be the best burger you've ever  had in your life!"

The burger came. It was quite substantial, but in my opinion, not worth twenty-six dollars. My son ate about half of it. I shook my head. "Are you kidding?" I asked. "You're only going to eat thirteen dollars worth of a twenty-six dollar burger?"

He grinned at me, and picked up the remaining part of the bun. "Well, I could give you a bun in your hair. Then you'll have a thirteen dollar hair-do, which will make up for the part I didn't eat. That's cheap!"

Right. A great deal! Too bad I didn't take it.
   

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Jellyfishing

Here's another story from my vacation to Hilton Head:

My son was playing in the ocean near the shore when he felt something soft rub up against his leg.
He ran out of the water yelling, "Mama, an animal touched me!"

I remained calm, because I didn't want him completely freaking out."What do you think it was?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "It was soft. Maybe a shark!"

I shook my head. "Sharks aren't soft. I can't think of anything soft that might've touched you. Why don't you just hang out at the edge of the water. I'm sure whatever it was will go away."

He frowned. Then he turned and walked down the shoreline. I watched him. After a moment, he stopped and stooped down. He was clearly examining something. I went over to see what it was.

A transparent blob with  short tentacles had washed up on the shore. A jellyfish. My genius son reached down and touched it.

It was my turn to freak out. "Stop, Bubba!" I said. "Jellyfish can still sting even when they're dead!"

"But I just wanted to see if it was what touched me."

I frowned at him. "Was it?"

"Yes."

Then he grinned.  "Mama, can I go jellyfishing, like Sponge Bob?"

"Absolutely not!" I said.

 Oy!  That's all I needed - a trip to the hospital!


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Road Hazard

I'm back from my vacation to Hilton Head (and trip to Kentucky).  And I have quite a few stories to share!

The first involves a little old lady and a Cadillac.

My family and I had just arrived on the island of Hilton Head (South Carolina, for those of you who might not be familiar with American geography).  We were driving down the road, when this big old white Cadillac cut in front of us. Its hazard lights were on.

"What the heck?" I said. Then I looked in the car. In the front seat was a little old lady who literally could not see over the steering wheel.  Her white-haired head came only half way up to the wheel.  There was no way she could see what she was doing!

"We need to give this character a wide berth!" I said.

We watched as she weaved in and out of traffic, speeding her way down the road, tailgating people until they moved out of her way.  I had no idea how she managed not to hit anyone, because most of the time, she was driving right on the line, taking up two lanes.

The scene was so funny, I just started laughing.

"Mama?" my son, Bubba, asked. "Why are her hazard lights on?"

"Because she's warning everyone that she's a hazard on the road!"  

(I wonder if the Little Old Lady from Hilton Head is related to the Little Old Lady from Pasadena?)

 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

No Rest for the Mama

I've been running around like a maniac.  (Which is why I haven't been in the blogosphere much, lately.)  As a result, my Energizer batteries are wearing down.  I  need a recharge. So, I thought I'd try a ten minute power nap.  I've heard those work pretty well.

This morning, after I took my son to school, and before I had to take my daughter to school, I lay down on the sofa and closed my eyes.  I figured it would be a good time for one of those ten minute power naps.

As soon had I lay down, a rather large, furry creature walked up to me and gave my face a good sniff.

"Schultz!" I complained.  "Go away!"

The giant German Shepherd lumbered off.  I figured he'd leave me alone for the remaining nine minutes.

But no.  He went off, got himself a big drink of water, and came back to me - his jowls dripping with water.  He stood next to me, and dripped all over my arm.  "Schultz!  Just go away!"

He walked off.  That left seven minutes and thirty seconds for my power nap.

About forty-five seconds later, the beast returned.  This time he had his slimy ball on a rope in his mouth.  He was ready to play.  He dropped it on my shoulder.

I knocked it off.

He picked it up.  And dropped it on my shoulder.

"Come on, Schultz.  Give me a break!" I complained.

He nudged the ball against my shoulder.  I threw it.  He chased it and brought it back.

This went on for five minutes.

Finally, the game stopped.

I looked at my watch.  One minute left of my power nap. I lay down and closed my eyes.  Fifty-nine seconds later:  "Mom, it's time to leave!"

So much for the power nap.



(I would like to wish all of you who celebrate Easter or Passover a very happy holiday!  I'm not sure if I'll be around in the next couple of weeks, because I have a lot going on.  I'll be back when I'm back!)

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Pet Tiger

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "Can we get a pet tiger?  Two of them?"

I looked at that kid.  "Excuse me?"

"Tigers are cute.  And they'd be good house guards," he explained.

"What about Schultz (our German Shepherd)? He's cute. And he's a good watch dog."

Bubba shook his head.  "Schultz is too friendly.  Tigers would do a better job."

Right.  Does anyone know where I can get a "Beware of the Tiger" sign?

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Miz Lemon


Meet Miz Lemon.  At two years old, she is the oldest living balloon.  Miz Lemon has been a very nice family member.  She's quiet.  She stays out of trouble.  And she's very pleasant.  Unfortunately, Miz Lemon is going through an accelerated aging process.  Every day, she loses more air, and her wrinkles become more pronounced.  I'm afraid Miz Lemon has only a few more days to live.

"I don't want Miz Lemon to die!" said my son.  "I'm going to miss her!"

I put my arm around the boy. "We'll all miss her, Bubba."

"Are we going to have a funeral for her and bury her in the backyard?"

I smiled.  "We will most certainly give her a proper burial."

"Good," said Bubba.  "Because she doesn't deserve to be thrown in the garbage.  She was the best balloon that ever lived!"

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Owl Talk

This morning, before the sun had even thought about coming up, my son and I were standing at the bus stop.  As we stood, we heard an interesting sound:  Who. . . Who. . . Who,Who,Who,Whoooo!

"An owl!" I said.

Bubba grinned.  "Can I try talking to it?"

"Sure, Bubba.  Go ahead."

He raised his head and called, "Who. . . Who. . .Who, Who,Who,Whooo!"

He listened. No response.  "Never mind.  I don't speak owl," he said.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when the owl called back, "Who. . .Who. . .Who, Who,Who, Whoooo!"

Bubba was thrilled. He called, again, and the owl responded. The two carried on their conversation until the bus came.

"I like owls," Bubba said as he got on the bus.  "They're really smart.  That one knew exactly what I was saying!"