Mama Diaries

Friday, October 31, 2014

Trick or Treat Blog Hop

Happy Halloween!  You're in for a treat, today, because I'm participating in the Trick-or-Treat Book Blog Hop.  This was the great idea of Patricia Lynne.  Participants are offering free books to those who stop by. (No, it's not a trick!)

You can pick up a free copy of my ebook, That Mama is a Grouch, at Smashwords.  Use coupon code XB63M, expiration date:  11/30/14.

I'm also giving away two hard copies of my books, That Mama is a Grouch, and That Baby Woke Me Up, AGAIN!  If you would like a copy for yourself, or someone you know, please say so in the comments, and I'll enter you in the drawing.  Winners will be selected on Monday.

And if you didn't catch me rhyming with Pat Hatt (Yes, ladies and gentlemen, yours truly is the "duck bill"), you can find it here.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

The Story of Christopher Columbus

Last night, my daughter was watching a video on her iPod, and laughing.

"What's so funny?"  I asked.

"You have to see this," she said.  "You're never going to believe it!"

What she had pulled up was the Story of Christopher Columbus, according to the fine folks who happened to be wandering down Hollywood Boulevard.

Here's what they say happened:  Christopher Columbus, who was from England, arrived in a kayak called the Pina Colada (or maybe it was a jet - we're not sure) in 1942.  At that time, he discovered the East and the West coast, and enjoyed the first Thanksgiving dinner.

What?  You don't believe me?  Here.  See it for yourself.

(Now I think I'll go find that Pina Colada, because my mind is completely blown away. Anybody want to join me?)

Monday, October 27, 2014

Bad Genes

My son is a little bit clumsy.  He has a habit of dropping his iPod.  This time, when he dropped it, he cracked the screen.

"Dude, that's not cool," I said.  "You really need to be more careful with your things!"

"But, Mama," he said.  "It's not my fault!"

"What do you mean, 'It's not my fault'?  You're the one who dropped it.  Who else's fault could it be?"

"Yours," he said.

"Mine?"  I couldn't believe it.  "How could it be my fault?"

"You gave me your bad genes for clumsiness.  If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be dropping my things!"

Right.  (How do I always manage to get blamed for everything?)

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The Popcorn Bowl

My daughter had a few of her friends over, yesterday, to watch a movie.  As is usually the case, she popped some popcorn.

Later, I came downstairs and saw the bowl of popcorn sitting on the kitchen table.  It was half full, so I figured the girls were done with it.  Since I was a little hungry, I decided to munch on some.

My daughter, who was still parked in front of the TV, heard me in the kitchen.  "Mom," she said.  "I'm so mad at Schultz!"  (Schultz is our giant German Shepherd, for those who don't know.)

I put another handful of popcorn in my mouth and ate it.  "Why are you mad at Schultz?" I asked.

"Because he ate half of our popcorn!"

I gulped.  "You mean the popcorn that was sitting in this bowl?"

She turned around and looked.  "Yeah, Mom.  You didn't eat any, did you?"


(And I thought that was butter on the popcorn!)

Friday, October 24, 2014

Bigger than Mama

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "I'm bigger than you!"

I looked down at the kid, who at 4 feet 6 inches tall, was clearly  not bigger than me.  "I don't think so, Bubba.  You have a way to go before you catch up with me."

"But I am bigger," he insisted.  "Look!"  He pointed on the ground at our shadows.  Since he was slightly in front of me, his shadow appeared taller than mine.

I moved up so I was even with him.  My shadow was obviously bigger than his when I did that.

"Wow," he said.  "I didn't know you could grow so fast!"

I nodded.  "Yep.  Mamas are pretty amazing!"  

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Schultz's Big Find

It's been a while since we've had a Schultz story.  For those who don't know Schultz, he is our hundred pound German Shepherd.  He's been pretty tame, lately.  But today, he decided to cause a little mischief.

I was outside, paying attention to the cat (yes, the killer one who dissects frogs and other small creatures).  I figured that maybe he needed some love, because the killing was getting a little out of control.  So I sat on the deck with the cat in my lap, petting the furry thing, and scratching under his chin, which he really likes.

Schultz stood inside, watching me do this, clearly not pleased that I was giving the cat more attention than him.  After a while, he walked away from the window.  I figured he'd probably go find a spot to lay down and take a nap. But no.

About fifteen minutes later, I heard a clunk in the kitchen.  Since there was nobody else home, I figured it had something to do with the dog.  I put the cat down and went inside to investigate.  At first I didn't notice anything.  Then I saw that a cupboard was open.  The one that contained Schultz's dog food and treats.  I didn't see anything on the floor, so I closed the cupboard. Then I turned around.  That's when I saw it.

Schultz was lying on the ground in the family room with something between his paws.  I walked over to investigate.  Do you know what he had?  A knuckle bone, still partially wrapped in plastic! He had opened  the cupboard, rummaged through a small Rubbermaid container, found the bone, taken it out, and removed some of the plastic.  There he was, happily gnawing away.

"Schultz!" I said.  "I didn't give you permission to get that bone!"

He cocked his head and looked at me.

I took the bone from him and removed the rest of the plastic.  "Now listen, dog.  You can't just have things for free.  You have to work for them."  I gave him some commands.

"Stand up."

He stood.


He sat.


He shook my hand.

I gave him his bone back.  He took that thing in his giant mouth and retreated to the basement where he could gnaw in peace.  What a creature!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Raining Tacos

"Mama," my ten-year-old son said.  "I'm going outside to get dinner."

I looked at that kid.  "What do you mean, 'you're going outside to get dinner'?  I'm making dinner right now.  Inside."

He shook his head.  "Nope.  I'm getting my dinner outside.  It's going to be raining tacos."

I looked outside, up into the clear blue sky.  "Dude.  I'm afraid you're mistaken.  I don't see any taco clouds up there."

"Don't worry.  I know they're up there."  The kid looked really confident about this.

"Okay.  How do you know?" I asked.

"Because it said so on YouTube."  He shoved his iPod in my face and made me watch a video.

Here it is for your viewing enjoyment:

"I see," I said, after viewing the thing.  "If you need any tomatoes on it, let me know.  Because I didn't see anything about it raining tomatoes for the tacos.  And you need your veggies!"