The Foot Phone

I walked into the room and saw something very strange.  My daughter had my son's foot pressed against the side of her face.

"Excuse me," I said.  "What exactly are you doing?"

"Using the foot phone," my daughter replied, as if that was the most natural thing in the world to do.

I gave her a quizzical look.  "Does it work?"

She nodded and tickled my son's foot. 

He giggled.

"See?" she said.  "It works just fine!"

(Apparently not all phones are for talking on!)

Fall Fashionista

"Mom, fall is the best time of year," my daughter announced.

"I like fall, too," I said.  "The leaves look so pretty on the trees, and the air has a different smell."

"Yeah, but do you know why I really like fall?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because of fall fashion! There are new clothes, new shoes, new makeup, and new nail polish colors!"

I looked at the girl.  "Do you really need more nail polish?"

She grinned.

I walked to her room to find out exactly how much nail polish she had.  Do you know how many bottles were lying around?  Twenty-six!

"Girl," I said.  "This is ridiculous!  You absolutely do not need more nail polish!"

"But Mom," she objected.  "Those are spring and summer colors.  I need fall colors!" 

Of course.

The Haunted School

"Mama," my nine-year-old son said as he got off the bus.  "Our school is haunted!"

I looked at the kid.  "Right.  Why do you think that?"

"The lights flickered on and off all day."

"That doesn't mean anything," I said.  "There could've been a power malfunction."

"But the mirror in the restroom shook, too!"

"That could've been caused by a vibration from the air conditioner."

Another kid came up behind us and put his two cents in.  "Mrs. Ellis, the school really is haunted!"

"How do you know?"  I asked.

"The pressure changed in the fifth grade hall and we all heard demonic voices."

Okay.

So, what do you think?  Is the school haunted? (I think the demonic voices were the janitors cussing out the utility companies!)
   

Croaky's Great Escape

Croaky is our pet African clawed frog.  Yesterday, he had a big adventure. 

Usually he sits nicely in his swamp and does nothing but eat bloodworms, surface for  air, and give and occasional croak. It would've been another boring day for the frog had I not decided to clean his swamp.

I removed his swamp decorations and proceeded to dump out his smelly water.  Croaky decided that he wasn't going to sit still and let me do that.  He took a flying leap -  right out of his tank.  Where did he land?  In the kitchen sink. 

"Croaky, what did you do that for?" I asked. 

He didn't answer.  He just slid around on his belly as he frantically tried to get out of there and find his swamp. 

I attempted to grab him.  Do you know what it's like to try to hold on to a slimy, slippery frog?  It isn't easy!  I caught him, but he wriggled right out of my hands - into the garbage disposal.  I had placed a colander over the opening, but Croaky somehow managed to slip under it and fall down into the disposal.

Terrific!  Now I had to reach down into the garbage disposal, avoid the dangerous blades, and grab a slimy, slippery frog.  It took several tries, but I got him.  Almost.

I pulled him out. But then he slipped out of my hands - right back into the garbage disposal.

"You stupid frog!" I said to him.  "Don't you know that's the worse place in the world to be?"

Apparently he didn't, because this happened three more times.

Finally I got a hold of that dumb creature and plopped him back into his stinky swamp.

I think he wondered why his swamp was still filthy. He swam around in the muck looking completely befuddled.

I gave him one of my ferocious mommy glares.  "That's what you get for giving the Mama a hard time!"

The Boy Mop

We have a stellar sprinkler system for our yard in Georgia. (I guess with this heat, you need a good one!) My nine-year-old son loves playing in the water jets when they turn on.  Yesterday, when the sprinklers came on, he bolted out the front door, wearing his tee shirt and shorts.

"Bubba," I called after him, "Why don't you change into your bathing suit?"

Too late.  He was already soaked.

He ran around, squealing with delight, getting completely drenched.

When he was finished, he came back inside.  He stood on the floor as the water dripped off of him.  In five seconds, there was a huge puddle of water.

"Bubba, what am I going to do with you?"  I said, looking at him.

"Use me as a mop.  These floors need to be cleaned anyway!"  He sat down on his rear end and scooted along the floor.

Perfect.  And I don't even have to push!

Epic Fail

"Mama," my nine-year-old son said.  "Do you want to hear about my epic fail?"

I looked at the kid.  "Sure."  I figured this would be interesting.

"I built a plane on Minecraft and it lost its wings."

"That's not good," I said.

"Yeah," he continued.  "It flew two minutes through my lovely world, and then it crashed.  Its wings just popped off.  It was an epic fail!"

For sure!  So ladies and gentlemen, before you step on an airplane, you might want to inquire if Bubba built it.  If he did, I think it would be a good idea to turn around and seek another mode of transportation! 

The Directioner Experience

I took my daughter to see the new One Direction movie, This is Us.  In case you don't know who One Direction is, they are a boy band from the UK.  A very popular one!

As we walked in the theater, there were giddy tween and teen girls everywhere.  I knew this was going to be quite an experience.  We found a seat and waited for the show to begin.  When it did, the theater erupted in high-pitched shrieks.

I covered my ears and looked at my daughter.  "It's just a movie," I said. "What's the big deal, here?"

"But it's One Direction!" she answered.

Okay.

The movie pretty much covered their entire world tour and gave snippets of their shows.  After each song, the teen girls in the theater went nuts.  It was like they were actually at a live concert.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the crazy atmosphere in the theater.  But somebody should've warned me that I should've brought earplugs!  A hundred screaming girls in a theater is definitely not good for one's ears!

                           
    Doesn't she look thrilled?  Too bad the boys aren't real!