Milk Mustache

There's a new model for those milk mustache ads you see in magazines.  "Who?" you ask.  My eleven-month-old German Shepherd!

Today, my daughter left her half-full glass of milk on the kitchen table when she left the room.

A few minutes later, I heard a really strange slurping sound.  I went into the kitchen to investigate.

That ninety-pound beast had his paws up on the table and his black snoot in the glass of milk.

"Schultz!" I bellowed.

He lifted his head and proudly displayed his milk mustache.

So when you're looking through those magazines, be sure to look for the new hairy milk model.  

Tooth Fairy Sleeping on the Job

My son lost another tooth yesterday.  That meant another visit from the tooth fairy.

Now, the tooth fairy was really tired, and her mind wasn't really on her job.  At about midnight, she thought it was time to go to bed.  She crawled into bed, pulled the covers over her, and fell asleep.

Then she had a crazy dream about Santa Claus delivering Christmas presents.

She awoke with a start.  "Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!"

She dashed into my son's bedroom, knocked over a few things in her haste, and quickly delivered the cash.

Fortunately, my son was sawing logs, so he didn't hear any of it.

"Whew!" she said.  "That was a close one!" 

Mosquito Repellant

My seven-year-old son likes to play in the woods behind our house.  Unfortunately, mosquitos also like to play in the woods behind our house.

"Mommy, the mosquitos are really biting today," he said.  "My friend has so many bites, he's bleeding."

"That's terrible," I said.  "Your friend should wear some OFF mosquito repellant.  You should, too."

"I don't need OFF," he said.

"Why not?"

"I'm not getting bitten."

"Why not?"

"I do a little dance that keeps mosquitos away."  He demonstrated a little jig.  "See, it works great!"

Hmmm.  A mosquito jig.   Maybe I'll try that next time I go into the woods. 

The Coconut

I would never survive if I was stranded on an island.  Why?  Because I have the hardest time cracking the tough shells of coconuts.

My daughter had the brilliant idea of purchasing a coconut from the produce section.  "Oh, Mom, it would be so cool to drink coconut milk straight from a coconut!"

I reluctantly agreed to give it a try.

I read the instructions on the label.  It said,  "pierce eyes with an icepick."  Who the heck has an ice pick around here?  I mean, if you lived in the Yukon, maybe you''d have an icepick laying around.  At least I figured out what they were talking about when they said, "eyes."

I rummaged through my husband's toolbox to see if I could find anything that might work as an icepick.  I found a hammer and some screwdrivers.  "Good enough," I thought.

I went to work piercing the eyes.  I did a pretty good job with that part, except I was expecting coconut milk to flow out of them.  No such luck.  Hmmm.  Something was very wrong.

Then I proceeded to hack away at the shell, attempting to break it.

I won't go through all the details, but let's just say it wasn't easy, even with my icepick hammer and screwdriver.

When I finally got the shell cracked, I discovered the coconut was old and rotted.  No wonder it had no milk in it!  That darn thing was probably sitting around for ten years in the grocery store!

So not only is it difficult for me to break open a coconut, I can't even pick a good one.  Pretty pathetic!   

Frisbee Dog

Our German Shepherd likes to chase things. 

Today's game of chase involved a frisbee.  My kids and I were playing a nice game of frisbee when that stinkin' varmint came busting out of the house.

"Daddy!" the kids cried.  "Why did you let him out?"

"He wants to play."

We attempted to continue the game.  Let's just say it didn't work out so well.  When we were done, the frisbee had three holes punched through it.

I wonder whose teeth did that?  (Not mine!)

Back to School

It was strangely quiet in the house today.  The kids went back to school.  My son just entered the first grade, so it was the first time I had a whole day without kids. 

So, when my kids came home they asked, "Were you bored, hanging out at home all by yourself?"

"Heck, no!" I said.  I proceeded to go down the entire list of things I did.

"Wow!"  they said.  They couldn't believe I actually had that much to keep me busy.

"Yeah, and this is all the stuff I usually try to do when you're home.  Pretty amazing, isn't it?"

I could tell that they were impressed.  Maybe now I'll get a little respect!
 

Horsefly Protection

A rogue horsefly entered our house when we opened the door today.  This sent a wave of panic through all of the kids in the house (mine plus a couple of guest kids).

"Help, a horsefly!" they cried.

My son immediately went into the basement to get into his horsefly protection gear.

When he came back upstairs, he was wearing his Incredible Hulk mask, baseball helmet, and plastic knight armor.

"I'm fully protected," he announced.

"Yeah, me too," I said wielding a can of Raid.

That fly doesn't have a chance!