Milk Mustache

There's a new model for those milk mustache ads you see in magazines.  "Who?" you ask.  My eleven-month-old German Shepherd!

Today, my daughter left her half-full glass of milk on the kitchen table when she left the room.

A few minutes later, I heard a really strange slurping sound.  I went into the kitchen to investigate.

That ninety-pound beast had his paws up on the table and his black snoot in the glass of milk.

"Schultz!" I bellowed.

He lifted his head and proudly displayed his milk mustache.

So when you're looking through those magazines, be sure to look for the new hairy milk model.  

Tooth Fairy Sleeping on the Job

My son lost another tooth yesterday.  That meant another visit from the tooth fairy.

Now, the tooth fairy was really tired, and her mind wasn't really on her job.  At about midnight, she thought it was time to go to bed.  She crawled into bed, pulled the covers over her, and fell asleep.

Then she had a crazy dream about Santa Claus delivering Christmas presents.

She awoke with a start.  "Oh my gosh, I almost forgot!"

She dashed into my son's bedroom, knocked over a few things in her haste, and quickly delivered the cash.

Fortunately, my son was sawing logs, so he didn't hear any of it.

"Whew!" she said.  "That was a close one!" 

Mosquito Repellant

My seven-year-old son likes to play in the woods behind our house.  Unfortunately, mosquitos also like to play in the woods behind our house.

"Mommy, the mosquitos are really biting today," he said.  "My friend has so many bites, he's bleeding."

"That's terrible," I said.  "Your friend should wear some OFF mosquito repellant.  You should, too."

"I don't need OFF," he said.

"Why not?"

"I'm not getting bitten."

"Why not?"

"I do a little dance that keeps mosquitos away."  He demonstrated a little jig.  "See, it works great!"

Hmmm.  A mosquito jig.   Maybe I'll try that next time I go into the woods. 

The Coconut

I would never survive if I was stranded on an island.  Why?  Because I have the hardest time cracking the tough shells of coconuts.

My daughter had the brilliant idea of purchasing a coconut from the produce section.  "Oh, Mom, it would be so cool to drink coconut milk straight from a coconut!"

I reluctantly agreed to give it a try.

I read the instructions on the label.  It said,  "pierce eyes with an icepick."  Who the heck has an ice pick around here?  I mean, if you lived in the Yukon, maybe you''d have an icepick laying around.  At least I figured out what they were talking about when they said, "eyes."

I rummaged through my husband's toolbox to see if I could find anything that might work as an icepick.  I found a hammer and some screwdrivers.  "Good enough," I thought.

I went to work piercing the eyes.  I did a pretty good job with that part, except I was expecting coconut milk to flow out of them.  No such luck.  Hmmm.  Something was very wrong.

Then I proceeded to hack away at the shell, attempting to break it.

I won't go through all the details, but let's just say it wasn't easy, even with my icepick hammer and screwdriver.

When I finally got the shell cracked, I discovered the coconut was old and rotted.  No wonder it had no milk in it!  That darn thing was probably sitting around for ten years in the grocery store!

So not only is it difficult for me to break open a coconut, I can't even pick a good one.  Pretty pathetic!   

Frisbee Dog

Our German Shepherd likes to chase things. 

Today's game of chase involved a frisbee.  My kids and I were playing a nice game of frisbee when that stinkin' varmint came busting out of the house.

"Daddy!" the kids cried.  "Why did you let him out?"

"He wants to play."

We attempted to continue the game.  Let's just say it didn't work out so well.  When we were done, the frisbee had three holes punched through it.

I wonder whose teeth did that?  (Not mine!)

Back to School

It was strangely quiet in the house today.  The kids went back to school.  My son just entered the first grade, so it was the first time I had a whole day without kids. 

So, when my kids came home they asked, "Were you bored, hanging out at home all by yourself?"

"Heck, no!" I said.  I proceeded to go down the entire list of things I did.

"Wow!"  they said.  They couldn't believe I actually had that much to keep me busy.

"Yeah, and this is all the stuff I usually try to do when you're home.  Pretty amazing, isn't it?"

I could tell that they were impressed.  Maybe now I'll get a little respect!
 

Horsefly Protection

A rogue horsefly entered our house when we opened the door today.  This sent a wave of panic through all of the kids in the house (mine plus a couple of guest kids).

"Help, a horsefly!" they cried.

My son immediately went into the basement to get into his horsefly protection gear.

When he came back upstairs, he was wearing his Incredible Hulk mask, baseball helmet, and plastic knight armor.

"I'm fully protected," he announced.

"Yeah, me too," I said wielding a can of Raid.

That fly doesn't have a chance!   

Rolling Along

My seven-year-old son isn't the best about cleaning up after himself.  For example, when he takes a bath, there's usually a dark ring around the tub and clothes left on the bathroom floor.  We've been trying to remind him to clean up so others don't have to deal with his slobbery.

This evening, after he had taken his bath, my daughter questioned him about whether or not he had cleaned up.

"Did you clean the bathtub?"

"I cleaned up my clothes."

"Did you clean the bathtub?"

"Well,  I didn't have time because I cleaned my clothes."

Then the daddy got in the game.  "So, is that a yes or no answer?"

"Um, no."

Then my husband turned to my daughter.  "Go clean the bathtub."

She and I looked at each other.

"What?"  I said.

My son grinned.  "That's how we roll."

Argh!  

The Many Uses of Duct Tape

I thought duct tape was this bland silver tape that was used by electricians.

Turns out I was wrong.

"Mom, I need to buy some duct tape," my nine-year-old daughter informed me.

"Why?  Are you planning some home repair project?"

"No.  I'm going to make a bracelet."

"Huh?"

We went to Target and got some "Hello Kitty" duct tape.  Yes, duct tape is no longer the boring silver thing it once was.  It comes in all kinds of fashionable colors and designs.  "Hello Kitty" is apparently one of the more popular designs.

Soon my daughter was sporting a lovely "Hello Kitty" duct tape bracelet.

Who would've thought? 

Flying Food

You'd think that dog would behave himself after all the trouble he's gotten into lately.  Fat chance.  Today, he decided to make his food fly.  How?  He jumped into his food bowl which catapulted the food high into the air.  The food landed all over the kitchen floor, and even spread into our front entry-way.

"Moron!"  I said.  "What's the matter with you?"

My husband came in to see what the problem was.  Of course he thought it was funny.

"Oh, but he loves you!"

I got out the broom.  I swept up the floor and left a huge pile of kibbles, dirt, and hairballs in front of the dog.

"There you go, dog.  I hope you like hair with your kibbles!"

He did.  He ate it all up.   

Escaped Dog

Yep.  The dog did it again.  I'm not sure what happened, but I think my husband opened the backyard gate to pet our German Shepherd, and the dog bolted.  He ran our of our yard and around one neighbor's yard.  Then he ran into our other neighbor's yard.  Then he took off into the woods and disappeared.

I was in the house when all of this happened.

My husband came in.  "The dog is gone." 

(Quite frankly, I didn't know if I should be happy or sad.)

"You guard our yard, and I'll get the truck and look for him."  Then my husband took off into the dusk.  Yes, it was starting to get dark.  Wonderful timing!

About 15 minutes later, my husband came back.  "Do you have the dog?"

"Nope."

"I'll go out one more time."  Things did not look good.

Ten minutes later a red pickup truck pulled into our cul-de-sac.  Three rough-looking men were piled in the back. 

"You missin a dawg?"

'"Why,yes."

"We have him chained up.  Can we cut through them there woods?"

"Uh...well, I guess the neighbors won't mind."

We cut through them there woods, crossed that there street, and made our way into the backyard of who knows who. 

"We was worried, cuz that there is a big dawg.  But he's a wuss."  Yeah, I know.  

So  there was the dog.  Panting away, looking guilty as sin.  My husband arrived on the scene and we hauled the beast home.

Boy, did he get in trouble!  I don't think he'll be trying that stunt any time soon! 

Another Dog Story

The problem with our German Shepherd is that he's too darn smart.  And he has too much time on his hands (paws).

Today he decided to pull up the registers on the kitchen floor.  He carefully placed each register cover in a verticle position in the vent, and placed his doggy food bowl and water bowl upside down on top of it .  Unfortunately he dumped his food all over the floor, and his water down the vent to accomplish this task.

It was a magnificent piece of art.  He seems to have a special talent for decorating.  Maybe he should have his own TV show.

Or maybe he should put all that creative energy into something useful, like cleaning up the hair balls he leaves all over the floor!   

Frog Bait

My son had just finished eating lunch.  He had a brown ring of pudding around his mouth.  It looked absolutely ridiculous.

"Come here, buddy," I said.  "Let me wipe your face."

"No!  Leave it!"

"Why?  You're filthy!"

"It's frog bait."

Okay.

On another note:  Sequel to the doggy kong story:  If you recall, the dog genious threw his kong down our vent.  My husband dismembered the vent in the basement today and recovered the kong.  Big hassle, but at least we don't have to worry about our house blowing up!   

Doggy Strikes Again

Genious did it again.  This time the naughty German Shepherd has put our entire house in jeopardy. 

I was in the office when I heard a thud, and a rolling sound that seemed to go through the vents.

Uh, oh, I thought. 

I went into the kitchen to see what kind of trouble the dog had gotten into.

I looked on the floor.  The dog had pryed off the register cover that was on the floor.  I also noticed that his big red rubber kong was missing. 

Then I knew what happened.  The beast had thrown his kong down the vent.

I crated the beast, and attempted to get the kong out.

Unfortunately, I could not reach it.  I tried all kinds of devices to get that thing out.  No luck.

I went downstairs in the basement to assess the situation.  That particular vent leads directly to the furnace.

So now, the kong lies somewhere in the vent.  At any moment it could teeter into the furnace and our house will blow up. 

So, ladies and gentlemen, if these posts stop, you'll know what happened.      

Making a Music Video

"Mom, I want to make a music video," my nine-year-old daughter announced.

"Okay.  How are you going to do that?" I asked.

"I dunno."

"Hmmm.  It sounds like a Klutz project."

For those of you who don't know, Klutz is a company that makes books for kids that shows them how to do all sorts of things, from playing Cats Cradle string games to making music videos.

I found a Klutz book on how to make music videos.

We put up a green screen and started shooting the video.  My daughter and her friend were really rocking.

Then the fun began.  I had to figure out how to use the software to change the background for the video.  I tried a bizillion different ways, but nothing seemed to work.  I was getting pretty frustrated. 

Then I discoved the directions.  Ahhh.  Enlightenment.

Now I'm a pro at changing backgrounds  and adding all kinds of special effects.

Who knows, maybe someday I'll make my own music video! 

World's Smartest Dog

Ladies and gentleman, I am the proud owner of the world's smartest dog.

Maybe.

This morning my daughter noticed that our German Shepherd's nose prints spelled words on our back sliding doors.

The first said:  b  o  y.

It was clear as day.

"Mom, look!  He knows how to spell!"

A little further down it said:  l v.

And even further down, it said:  J (which is the first initial of my daughter's name).

"Aww,  Mommy,  Schultz loves me!"

Wow.

Harrassing the Mama

I was pushing one of those behemoth carts through Target - you know, the red ones that have seats for two kids on them.  Usually I can push those things with no problem.  But today, I was having issues.  It seemed nearly impossible to move.

"Okay," I said.  "This is really hard to push!"

"That's because the brakes are on," my son said.

"This thing has brakes?"

"Yeah, see?"  He showed me where he put his foot to slow it down.

My daughter laughed and said, "It's how kids get their moms to slow down."

A little while later I was at home cleaning my daughter's room.

"Mom, I found your mind."  (I always say that I'm losing my mind or that I've lost my mind.)

"What?"

"Yeah, here it is."  She pulled out a crumpled piece of paper from under her bed.  "Open it."

I did.  It said, "Mommy's mind."

Ha Ha.  

  

Wimpy Dog

We had been told that our ninety pound German Shepherd puppy was a wimp.  We didn't believe it.  He had to stay at a pet hotel while we went out of town last weekend.   Apparently he had some socializing problems when he wanted to play with the other dogs.  They were afraid of his enormous size, so they barked and growled at him.   He backed down and slinked off.

"What a wuss," the hotel workers said.

Today we saw the wuss in action.

We took him into our basement to sniff out a strange smell (he is a German Shepherd, and should be able to do that, right?)  The dummy had no clue.  He happily pranced around taking in the sights.  When we decided that the endeavor was futile, we brought him back upstairs.  Let me tell you how that worked out.

That dog was shaking.  He was absolutely terrified of those stairs!  My husband had to literally carry him up.

When he finally was at the top, we lavished him with praise and gave him treats.  Then he wagged his tail.  He was all proud of himself. 

How could such a big dog be a total wimp?     

Night in the Emergency Room

It was about 7:30 PM and my daughter was riding her bike quickly down the cul-de-sac toward our house.  Then it happened.  I saw her fly over her handlebars and slam into the ground.  The bike landed on top of her.  I've never heard her scream the way she did.

My heart racing, I ran over to her.  She was in a lot of pain.  I could see that her leg was all bloody too.

I brought her into the house and calmed her down.  I iced her arm and cleaned her wounds.  After a half hour, I looked at the arm and wrist.  It didn't look right at all.  Of course it was swollen, but it also looked a little crooked.  I decided to take her into the emergency room. 

Of course a severe thunderstorm was on its way.  The evening sky looked ominous as streaks of lightening flashed across it.

We got out of the car as the storm hit.   The rain pelted us as we made our way into the building.

Battered and broken, my daughter waited. 

Three hours later, we learned that my daughter had indeed broken her wrist.

It was midnight by the time we finally got out of there.  The staff was very nice, but my gosh, what a long night!  

Out of the Mouth of Babes

Today my kids and I went to a local Subway for lunch.  My kids needed to use the restrooms.  I stood in line and waited to order.

Two seconds later, my husband entered and stood in line.  We hadn't planned this, so it was a bit of a surprise.

"Hi,  I was just going to order some lunch for you," I said.

"Good.  I'm hungry," he replied.

Then my charming son came out of the bathroom.

"Look," I said.  "Do you see who's here?"

"Daddy!"

And without missing a beat, his next words were: "There's diarhea in the toilet in that bathroom." 

The Big Snake

"Mama, I'm going to go catch some frogs," my seven-year-old son called as he ran down the hill with a big frog-catching net.

"Okay," I said.  "Have fun."

I followed him down to the lake.  He caught a few tadpoles. That was all fine, but then he decided to see if the big bullfrog was hiding under the overturned boat on the shore.

"Mama, can you lift up the boat?"

"Sure."

I lifted the boat and nearly had a heart attack.  Under the boat was a two foot long black rat snack.

"Cool!" my son exclaimed.  He trapped the snake under his net.  It writhed and hissed.

"Let it go!" I hollered at him.

Reluctantly he lifted the net.  I let the boat fall over the snake.

I can't believe he did that!  Thank God it wasn't a copperhead!

A Little Pad of Butter

Our ten-month-old German Shepherd has a very bad habit of counter surfing.  He is always jumping up and pulling stuff off of it.  This week he has eaten a sponge, a bag of sunflower seeds, and some orange juice.

Tonight he topped it all.  There was a container of Smart Balance Butter on the table.  I hadn't quite finished cleaning up after dinner, when I had to go upstairs for something.  Five minutes later, I came down and found an empty butter container on the floor next to the dog.  Yes, he had eaten every last bit of the nearly-full container of butter.

Needless to say, the pooch got banished to his crate.  I can't wait to see exactly how the dog is going to expel that product from his body.  

Putt-putt Pro

I took my kids to an indoor putt-putt place to let them hit a few balls.

My daughter played by the rules.  My son did not.

He hit a ball and it landed behind a tire obstacle that was placed on the course.  Now most people would hit the ball until it got around the tire.  Not my son.  He moved the tire.

The same thing happened with a heavy spring that was placed on the course.  It was in the way, so he moved it.

"Dude, what's the point of obstacles if your going to move them?"

He gave me one of his big grins.  "This is how the pros do it!"

Lemonade and a Lesson

I was teaching a violin lesson today, and my nine-year-old daughter barged in and asked, "Would you like some lemonade?"

She was speaking to my student. 

The student looked at me.  Then she looked at my daughter.  "Um, okay."

Two seconds later, my daughter arrived with a glass of ice cold lemonade.

After the lesson, the student drank the lemonade.

Then the next student came - a piano student.

"Would you like some lemonade?"  my daughter asked.

"Yeah!" the student exclaimed

She brought more lemonade.

So ladies and gentlemen, the special of the day is, buy a lesson, get a free lemonade.  Any takers out there?

Old Lady

It was my birthday today - the one with the number four in the front.  (I prefer to call it my second 39th birthday.) I wasn't really looking forward to it, and I hoped nobody would notice.

"Mom, you're almost 100!"  my son exclaimed.

"Mom, you're too old to count!"  my daughter cried.

"Ha!  It happened to me, and now it's happening to you," my husband said. 

Geez.  Nothing like making me feel like I have one foot in the grave already!